Extreme. Candy. Coma.

Can’t. Function.

Need. More. Kit-Kats.


Don’t go!

I’ll be nice! I promise!

Don’t you want to see what we looked like while we were out begging in the cold for High Fructose Corn Syrup and FD&C Red Dye #40 laden “fun-size” crap so we could feel so frickin’ awesome today?

(Sorry, it’s the candy talking. I may need Sugar Rehab.)

So, here’s my little Bucket Head. You should have seen how great he looked BEFORE he did a face plant off the back of the couch while trying to see himself in the mirror and then cried half his makeup off. My apologies to the family ringing our doorbell right while I was doing the (annual) “Pull it together, man! There’s no crying on Halloween. You quit that caterwauling this minute or we’re not Trick or Treating!” routine.

He eventually pulled it together. Bless it!

Also? His hair was Gordon Gekko straight for about 45 seconds before the curls started to revolt. I even used multiple palmfuls of “spike glue” to tame it, but to no avail. Some birds just aren’t meant to be caged, I guess.

Note the sneezing pumpkin in the background. That’s my teen boy’s doing. He so crazy!

Then came Mini-Me.

Her first attempt at being a Zombie was vetoed after she came down the stairs looking like Princess Zombie Skank on her way to a Street Walker Convention. Not kosher. She’s a smart girl though and knew it was better to Trick or Treat in a dorky, warm, mom-approved outfit than not Trick or Treat at all, so here’s what we came up with together…

Bless her heart.

And while Bucket Head was sniveling and Mini-Me was giving me attitude over having to de-skankify herself,  my oldest, Nature Boy (13-years-old), decided he was too old for Trick or Treating this year.


“Nooooooooooo!” I begged. “Please! One more year! I beg of you! Come on, don’t stay home! Come with us. It will be fun!”

“Mom, I can’t even eat most of the candy because of my braces. I just don’t feel like it this year,” he bemoaned.

But truth be told, he was just trying to punish me for the fact that he is “the only kid in the school without a cell phone.”

Which totally isn’t true. I know for a FACT there are at least three other 7th grade boys who do not have cell phones because their moms and I talk about this and we’re all holding firm. So there.

Finally though, Nature Boy decided to pull himself out of his phoneless-phunk and come along with the rest of us. And I’m so glad, because look how damn cute he was as “Shaggy” from Scooby Doo…

I mean, come on. Look at that punim.

Oh my Lord, how is it possible that this handsome young man was once small enough to dress up like a little eggplant?

A farmer and her prize eggplant, Halloween 2000, Oakland California.

I was too tired from all the kid corralling and counseling to dress myself up for Trick or Treating this year (unlike last year, or most years before that), but I did get to wear a costume to our friend’s annual Halloween Party last Saturday…

…it’s just my standard old lady get up. Sometimes I like to put it on just to embarrass my kids and give my husband a glimpse of his future. The best part of that costume is that I always use two long worm puppets (don’t ask) under my house dress as my breasticles. No lie. Here’s what their little faces look like, just in case you are one of the few people in the western hemisphere I didn’t flash last Saturday:

So that was our Halloween. How was yours?

All you east coasters are in my thoughts and prayers as you recover from the aftermath of that nasty ol’ wench Sandy. Stay strong, friends.

One last thing, I’m over In The Powder Room today sharing some controversial ideas about All Saints’ Day. It’s racy enough that one of my Catholic Facebook friends is saying a Rosary for me right now and steering clear of my house in case I get struck by lightning. Just another day in the life.

Holy crap. It’s November?!

Hold me,