A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: coping with holiday stress

The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dobbie’s Big Debut. If you’re just joining us, Dobbie is my family’s Elf on the Shelf, and he’s a little, uh…mischievous, you might say.

He was pretty popular around the blogosphere last year for his lewd and lascivious antics. He even finished in second place as one of the Top 11 Inappropriate Elves over at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf Contest for that time he wrote his name in the snow.

Dobbie writes his name in the snow by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Ah, good times.

Pretty ironic that he would become so popular because I never even wanted that little so’mbitch.

He was an ambush gift from my mom to my kids and I just knew he was going to be trouble. Like I needed to add one more labor-intensive holiday tradition to my already overflowing plate of Christmas duties.

But I begrudgingly let Grandma be the hero and give the kids the one toy they’d been so desperately coveting.

And long story short, we all fell in love with him.

Even my beloved kitty Gracie (RIP) enjoyed his company. These shots were taken last year and were part of my story about having to improve upon my husband’s lame attempts at Elfing. (Bless his heart.) That’s one of my all-time favorite posts, by the way. (And the photo below is the one I’m entering in this year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest at Baby Rabies.)

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble2 #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

I sure do miss that sweet cat. She was the best. {Sigh}

This year, Dobbie the Elf arrived on Saturday, December 1st.

I clipped his little hands to one of the blades of the ceiling fan, turned the fan on low, and went to bed.

I would give anything to have a video of my kids’ reaction when they discovered him.

They were watching TV in the family room that Saturday morning, and it wasn’t until my husband said, “Hey, why is the ceiling fan on?” that they looked up and noticed Dobbie spinning around and around, with his little felt legs splayed out behind him like he was holding on for dear life.

Believe me when I say my kids went absolutely apeshit. “IT’S DOBBIE!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S ON THE CEEE-WING FAN!” (sic) shouted Bucket Head.

And that, my friends, is what this Elf thing is all about.

It’s not about comparing yourself to other mothers. It’s not about having to “remember to move the fucking elf.” It’s not about rules or obligations or judgement.

It’s about bringing joy to your kids. 

And let me tell you something about my kids: the horse apple didn’t fall far from the horse, if you know what I mean.

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Toilet humor—works every time.

And if you can make your husband laugh along the way with little surprises like this?

The Elf on the Shelf Dobbie has a mouth like a trucker by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Even better.

Oh easy there, Mother Superior. My kids never saw that. By the time they woke up that day, the egg carton was closed, and the elf was in a much more family-friendly position…

Dobbie The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf licking a large turgid candy cane by The Bearded Iris

…licking an enormous, turgid candy cane.

Because there’s nothing inappropriate about that, right?

May your holiday season be filled with joy, laughter, and plenty of minty freshness.

Yours truly,

PS – Please follow me on Pinterest for more Elf fun and Christmas humor!

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Dysfunctional Family Fun: Bad Behavior Bingo

Well here we are, Thanksgiving Day.

A few more hours and we’ll be sitting down for the most anticipated meal of the year. Hopefully your extensive Turkey Day preparations are paying off and you aren’t too stressed out. Maybe you even have a minute to relax before your crazy Uncle Boom-Boom arrives and that’s why you’re scanning the Internetz for a last minute chuckle to pull you through.

You’re in the right place, darlin’.

I just have one thing to say about your crazy relatives: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Seriously, this much I know. Life is so much easier if you can just laugh at the situations that used to frustrate the hell out of you. We have NO control over anyone else, and if you’re like me, only somewhat limited control over yourself; so pour a drink and yuck it up, Amigo.

One of the readers of my weekly column In the Powder Room gave me this great idea a couple weeks ago: Bad Behavior Bingo. I thought it was BRILLIANT. After 41 years of Thanksgiving shenanigans, I can pretty safely predict some of the egregious behavior we’ll be seeing here today…why not turn it into a fun game?

The link below is a free printable I created so my Aunt and I could giggle about all our guests today and not let the crazy get us down. It’s a Google document…hopefully you can open it and print it out. This is my first time doing a printable, so cut me a frickin’ break if it doesn’t work, m’kay?

Just mark off the squares as you witness any of the listed bad behaviors. Don’t cheat and tell any of your guests about the game in advance! It’s a secret! You certainly don’t want Cousin Jeb purposefully starting a fist fight just to help you get an extra square marked off.

Bad Behavior Bingo

Quick disclaimer so my husband’s family doesn’t disown me, I have never seen, nor do I ever expect to see, a member of his family ignite their farts. That one came from one of my kin. Fine, several of my kin. We’re classy like that.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!


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