A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: Diary of a Sexually Maturing Leopard Gecko

More leopard gecko diaries: the surgery edition

Welcome back to another riveting installment of unauthorized private journal entries by our family pet, Batman, the sexually maturing leopard gecko.

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko by The Bearded Iris

If you are just joining us, you should probably read this post first. It’s the introduction to Batman’s diary and it will give you some background on his wiener woes.

When we last left Batman, he was anxiously wondering whether or not his seemingly stuck erection would subside on its own, or if I would attempt to MacGyver it back in with nothing more than a Q-Tip, some KY Warming Liquid, and the bravado of a sleep-deprived veteran mother who watches way too much reality television…

 

Thursday, February 28, 2013 8:00 AM

Dear Diary,

Worst. Night. Ever. It’s really hard to Wang Chung Tonight when your engorged reptilian rocket has been stuck outside your body, slowly baking under a heat lamp for 11 hours.

My roommate just came to check on me and turn on my daytime light. That’s only going to dry out my unsheathed baby maker even more. I heard him tell his mom that my “hemipenis is still hanging out.” Great. At least HE knows I’m a dude. I could really use another sugar-soak and/or a massage with a happy ending. Anyone? Anyone?

 

9:00 PM

They’ve given me a few more sugar-water soaks today so my shama-lama-ding-dong isn’t totally dehydrated, but it still hurts and it’s hard to sleep with the constant throbbing.

The mom has spent a lot of time conferring with “experts” on Facebook all day. Apparently one of her Facebook friends used to be a Zookeeper and told her the Q-Tip/lube strategy was legit. Other people are telling her to get me to a vet, pronto. I heard her say she “wasn’t gonna spend no $300 on lizard dick surgery.” Nice language, lady. Do you kiss your dog with that mouth?

 

Friday March 1, 2013

8:00 AM

Dear Diary,

It’s no use. My prolapsed hemipenis is here to stay! None of the other geckos are going to let me play in any gecko games. I wish I were dead.

 

9:00 AM

I’m sorry. That was just stinkin’ thinkin’. I don’t wish I were dead. I just wish my roommate’s mom would stop tweeting pictures of my junk and take me to the vet already. In spite of the sugar-water baths, I feel like my boy bulge is starting to dry out a little and that’s making me really nervous. Thank God I have two penises just in case this one is a goner.

 

10:00 AM

OH HAPPY DAY! There’s an Exotic Vet in the area! Unfortunately, my roommate’s mom thinks that means she’s going to get a lap dance during my exam. If I ever break loose, I am going to pee on her head and make her rue the day she ever exploited my body for Facebook fame.

At least I know the vet won’t try to “MacGyver” my fruit salad back into its hidey-hole with random household supplies. Phew, I feel like I’ve really dodged a bullet.

Holy humiliation, they’re going to transport me in the same disposable food container they use to store leftover macaroni in the fridge. And it’s see-through! Now all the other exotic animals in the waiting room are going to be able to see my party favor.

Have gecko will travel via The Bearded Iris

 

10:30 AM

We’re at the vet! I’m so excited! This could be the end of my suffering.

They pulled me out of my travel Tupperware to weigh me and I grabbed my chance to scurry up the mom’s arm and onto the back of her head.

Batman seeks revenge via The Bearded Iris

It was HILARIOUS! She stared screaming “GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF.” The vet untangled me from her hair before I could finish my assault. I peed on his hand instead. Gecko power! That will show them. You mess with the reptile? You get the teabag.

 

10:33 AM

WHAT. THE. EFF? The vet just flipped me on my back and jammed a giant dry Q-Tip right into my goodie basket! OW OW OW OW OW. That really hurt! Now I’m kinda wishing I had just let the mom do it at home with her spicy lady lube and saved us the trip. I bet she would have been more gentle. Now I feel bad for trying to pee on her head.

Batman at the vet via The Bearded Iris

Also, my vet seriously needs a manicure. I’m just saying.

 

10:34 AM

He added some lube. It’s a little better, but I wish all these people weren’t watching. Kinda weird. My bulge won’t go back in. The vet just flicked a dried sperm plug off my willie and onto a paper towel. Gross! He said sometimes those block the hemipenis from being able to retract. But it’s too late for me. They are discussing other options. I’m scared!

 

10:35 AM

OMG. The vet whispered something to his assistant, she left, and came back with a bunch of surgical tools. Holy Mary, Mother of God…

Surgical tools at the vet to ligate Batman's hemipenis via The Bearded Iris

10:36 AM

Okay, deep breath. It sounds like my dehydrated love-nugget has got to go. The vet is going to ligate it with surgical thread so dies and falls off. Good thing I have a spare or I would be freaking the freak out right now. At least it won’t hurt for much longer.

 

10:38 AM

Wow, that was fast. (That’s what she said.) It really didn’t even hurt that much. And the whole thing only cost $50! I heard the mom say it was the best $50 she ever spent. Maybe she’s not so bad after all.

 

10:45 AM

On our way home now. We all noticed this sign in the waiting room at the exotic vet:

All you need is love and a dog via The Bearded Iris

 

My roommate’s mom laughed and said, “Oh yeah? Well anytime our dog has needed medical care it always costs way more than fifty bucks, and he doesn’t even have two penises! Batman is definitely my new favorite pet.”

Awwwwww! This day turned out to be not so bad after all.

Batman the Leopard Gecko via The Bearded Iris

 

 

You people are sick (and me likee)

Yesterday I published a new post In The Powder Room about homophones (that’s phones, not phobes) and it flopped like my 32-Longs at 7:30 PM every night when I toss my Playtex 18 Hour Hydraulic Lift onto my bedroom chair (where it patiently waits to frighten me the next day):

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Frankly, I’m a little surprised the homophones post wasn’t a bigger hit, because it was all about naughty sentences. I used words like ‘humping,’ ‘lascivious,’ ‘cavernous areas,’ and funny pimp names. But no, apparently I have ruined you people with my gecko penis pornography.

Yes. I now know that gecko money shots are like a drug, and once you’ve developed a taste for them, you are no longer satisfied with *boring* things like vocabulary and grammar lessons.

I blame myself, really.

I have done this to you.

My gecko groin saga has touched so many of you…and it’s touched you deeply. One reader emailed me yesterday to share:

I’m almost 8 months pregnant and so I have been having crazy delivery dreams. Well last night I delivered a healthy baby boy: half gecko/half baby. And hilariously it had two hemipenises…most of the dream was spent trying to find diapers and clothes that worked! So thanks for the laughs and strange dreams! ~Tannith

I also heard from a funny fellow blogger who was so dazzled by my gecko’s perma-bone that she wanted to blog about it:

Hi Leslie!

I hope your family gecko’s penis is doing better. Who knew all that junk was wrapped up in those scales. In fact I was so impressed that I would like to get permission from you, and of course the gecko seeing it was *his* penis, to include a couple of pictures you posted in an upcoming post about how I’d like to walk a day in his shoes for a writing prompt. I mean seriously, that’s the luckiest gecko in the world. Most people would have left his little lizard pecker hanging out….Please let me know what you think. And just a heads up, if my penis ever pops out, I have left directions with my husband to call you.

~Kari (@Kbar3)

So don’t worry friends. I hear you loud and clear: no more vocabulary or grammar lessons, and more lusty lizard tales. Got it.

Come on back tomorrow for the next installment of Batman’s tell-all diary. But until then, please make sure you know the difference between throws/throes, affect/effect, elicit/illicit, and more. M’kay? Trust me, anyone who reads your words will thank you.

Yours truly and now with exposed reptilian sex glands,
-Leslie

Diary of a Sexually Maturing Leopard Gecko

Batman the uber horny leopard geckoIf you follow my blog on Facebook, you have probably already heard about my family’s Leopard Gecko, “Batman,” and his recent sexual health scare.

Like any family medical emergency, it was a very harrowing few days of worry, investigation, decision-making, and bonding.

Afterward, my son and I were working together to clean out Batman’s vivarium and we discovered a tiny journal, tucked away under the base of his wooden branch.

I know it’s wrong to read someone else’s journal, but under the circumstances, and given that this someone doesn’t even have opposable thumbs, I just had to know what was going through his tiny reptilian mind.

Please forgive me for breaking our family pet’s trust, but his daily musings were too fantastic to keep to myself. In the name of science, I present to you some of the entries from Batman’s journal.

(Please note: this blog post is intended for mature audiences only.)

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko by The Bearded Iris

Monday, Feb. 25, 2013

Dear Diary,

Today is my 9-month birthday and I finally weigh 33 grams! I’ve decided to start keeping a journal because I’m noticing a lot of strange but exciting bodily changes and I need a place to express myself and deal with all my feelings.

My roommate is 13-human-years-old and he is also going through lots of changes. He is growing a mustache! Humans are so weird.

My roommate’s mom just came in to yell at him for having so many dirty clothes on the floor. She has a mustache too. I don’t know what it is about her, but looking at her makes me feel kinda funny in my downtown area.

In fact, I’m going to go hangout on my basking rock…it’s really warm up there and I like the way the hot rock feels on my belly, if you know what I mean. {WINK WINK!}

 

Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2013

Dear Diary,

Wow, my body is really changing fast! Sometimes I get this throbbing feeling near my vent. It feels really good at first, but then it starts to ache. I wish I had a girlfriend. I’ve been spending a LOT of time on my branch and basking rock lately. Wiggling helps.

I noticed my roommate getting dressed today. He only has one penis, poor guy. I’m so lucky to have two! I can take turns with them so neither gets worn out or sore. Being a gecko is awesome!

Another difference between geckos and humans is that humans wear pants, so they can get a stiffy without the whole world seeing it. When I get excited, one of my penises pops right out of my vent like the “HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW” sign at Krispy Kreme. Embarrassing, but practical.

I’m wondering if I can get both of my hemipenes to pop out at the same time. Could come in handy if I ever meet twin Doublemint Girl Geckos at a party. SCHWING!

 

Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2013, 9:15 PM

Dear Diary,

Oh no, I have a big problem.

You know that weird feeling I’ve been having in my crotch? And how I’ve been spending so much time on my rock and branch doing that wiggling thing?

Well a few minutes ago I was doing the humpty hump on my branch and I think I must have rubbed too hard because my love-nugget won’t go back into its hidey-hole! It really hurts and so I was licking it to see if that would help it shrink back up into my body, and that’s when I noticed my roommate staring at my junk and then running down the hall screaming “MOM! Come here! You HAVE TO SEE THIS!”

Oh-em-geeee! Can’t a gecko have some privacy?!

Next thing I knew, my roomie’s mom was holding me and staring at my junk too. Not helping, lady!

You’d think she’d never seen 9 millimeters of turgid gecko groin before because she was all “What the hell?”

Then she took a bunch of photos with her phone. So embarrassing! All I can say is she better give me a cut of the profits if she turns this into a reptile porno.

I heard the mom and my roommate wondering aloud whether it was part of my intestines or a ruptured testicle or some kind of herniated gland. They were clueless. Then they got online for help.

The mom said “Do you think it’s his penis?”

Duh. Ya think? She’s obviously not the fastest mealworm in the box.

Next thing I heard her saying was “Google ‘reptile penis pics’ and ‘pics of lizard groins.’”

Oh yeah lady, encourage your 13-year-old son to do a Google search for any kind of penis pics. Good luck with that one.

Turns out she’s actually a pretty good researcher. Didn’t take her long to find out that I have what’s called a “prolapsed hemipenis,” hemi meaning “half” because like I said before, I have two of them. But then she insulted my manhood and said something like “We don’t even know if Batman is a boy yet, so let’s call it a hemivagenis.” I swear to God. It’s like she’s never even noticed my pre-anal pores. I’m OBVIOUSLY a male. OBVIOUSLY.

At least she knows it’s not my intestines sticking out of my butt. Now let’s hope girlfriend figures out how to help me get this thing back into my body because this bad boy really hurts.

(Editor’s Note: WARNING – the following photo collage may be unsettling to those with weak constitutions. Please close your eyes and scroll down if you know you will be offended by photos of erect reptile reproductive organs.) 

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko now featuring a prolapsed hemipenis by The Bearded Iris

 

9:30 PM

Dear Diary,

You aren’t going to believe this but I am about to take a bath in warm sugar-water! Wish me luck. I’ve never taken a bath before. Hope I don’t drown. Maybe the mom will dim the lights and put on some Barry White so I can really get my groove on. Brown chicken brown cow! 

warm sugar-water soak

 

9:45 PM

Dear Diary,

Wow, that was really nice. A gecko could get used to those warm sugar-water soaks. Sadly, my perma-bone didn’t shrink or pop back in on its own like they thought it would. I must have irritated it too much with my vigorous tree-branch rubbing. Now it’s swollen and stuck! I feel embarrassed, scared, and annoyed at the same time. I overheard my roomie’s mom say the words “MacGyver,” “Q-Tip,” and “Astroglide.” This isn’t going to end well.

 

10:00 PM

Dear Diary,

OH SWEET JESUS ON A BASKING ROCK, I just heard her say she can’t find the Astroglide followed by “but do you think this KY Warming Liquid would do the trick?” I feel like I’m going to faint.

 

10:04 PM

Okay, phew. She decided to see if my boy-bulge subsides by the morning before she attempts to poke it back in. THANK GOD. I’d rather just die than have my exposed sweet meat poked and prodded with spicy lady lube.

{end of journal entry}

Well that’s all the time we have for today, you reptile voyeurs! Tune in next time to read more riveting journal entries about Batman’s coming of age tale and how we helped solve his troublesome perma-bone problem.

See you then!
-Leslie

Click HERE to read Part 2 and hear the “Happy Ending” (wink wink!) of Batman’s weiner woes! 

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