A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: dogs

I’m fighting the winter blues, one juicy page at a time

Welcome to The Bearded Iris

Hello friends! (::sniff sniff, wag wag, lick lick::) I’ve been missing you!

Sorry to stay away for so long.

I’m totally engrossed in a book.

It’s a book that I’ve read at least twice before, maybe three times.

But it’s one of those books that beckons me back every now and then. (And inspires me to use fancy words like beckons in my blog posts.)

Apparently I’m not the only one. This book (and the subsequent series) has legions of devoted fans.

It’s Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon.

It takes place in the very unhygienic mid-eighteenth century and it’s inspired me to write a list of the Top 5 Things I Could Never Live Without. It’s In The Powder Room today. Please join me over there and we’ll discuss fun things like thunder buckets and camel balls.

And if you are up for some more fun, check out this piece I wrote last month and never got around to sharing. But be warned, it includes my favorite viral YouTube video from 2012 and it is totally addictive!

I’m so grateful you are here with me and I hope to share many more laughs, tears, discussions, and fresh smelling bear hugs with you in 2013!

Yours truly,

Aw, nuts. Or, how puppies and testicles are related.


My five-year-old son just discovered his testicles.

photo of my son bucket head after he made an exciting discovery (his testicles)

It all started with a routine trip to the local dog park. There was a beautiful grey Pit Bull Terrier there who was unneutered. Every time he ran past us, my son Bucket Head would giggle, point, and enthusiastically blurt “Look at those things hanging from his butt! He’s got butt-hangers! That’s silly!”

It was very entertaining to the guy sharing our bench. He and I sheepishly made eye contact and I shrugged my shoulders as in “He’s five. What am I gonna do?”

Butt-hangers. That’s a new one. I made a mental note to tell my husband so we could laugh about it later.

Now, it is a widely known fact that I enjoy making up new words for genitals possibly more than anything else in life, but when it comes to my kids, I’m a stickler for proper anatomical verbiage. Never underestimate the power of pretty teeth and a good vocabulary. Just imagine the reaction Michigan House Rep. Lisa Brown would have gotten if she had referred to her “vagizness” or “goody basket.” Not kosher.

Yes, I was bound and determined for Bucket Head to learn the correct terminology for his fruit salad. So later that night, during Bucket Head’s bath, I reminded him of the Pit Bull and his silly “butt-hangers,” and then said “You know, you’ve got those too. They’re called ‘testicles.’”

“WHAT?! I have butt-hangers like that dog at the park?!” His face snapped away with a bang and his eyes immediately focused in on his happy place.

“Yes honey, all boys do. Your brother and Daddy do too. And they’re called testicles, not butt-hangers.

“I thought that was called my penis,” he replied, confused.

“No, your penis is the thing you pee from and your testicles hang down under your penis…they’re in that wrinkly thingy which is actually called a scrotum.”

“Oh, you mean my lumpy things?” he asked as he grabbed his little nutsack and attempted to yank if off to examine it more closely.

“Dude – be careful with that thing!” I cautioned. “I want grandchildren someday!”

Unfazed, his neurons started to fire. I could see the proverbial lightbulb appearing above his curly little head. I could also sense that his mouth and his brain weren’t on the same page. That happens a lot due to his speech impairment. “But Mom? Ike (our dog) is a boy and he doesn’t have cuticles.”


“Where are Ike’s tentacles.”

Testicles. They’re called testicles, honey. We had them removed when he was a puppy.”

“WHAT? Why?” (the horror!)

“Because we didn’t want him to make puppies with other dogs.”


{OMG} “Testicles, and no. But dogs who don’t have butt-hangers, I mean testicles, can’t make puppies.”

I don’t think he heard that last part though because he had commenced kneading his scrotum like a flesh colored foam stress ball. I wasn’t sure if I should turn my back and give him some privacy, smack his hand away and tell him to “drop it,” or start searching WebMD for emergency testicle rupture advice.

The next few days were touch and go…literally. Bucket Head was absolutely riveted by his newfound anatomy. I honestly think he was watching his gooch closely to see if it would morph into a small litter of puppies.

At one point I had to pull him aside and gently direct that he go and explore his testicles in the privacy of his own room or in the bathroom behind a closed door. He was fine with that.

The next morning, Bucket Head walked by my husband with a look of determination on his little face. “Where are you going?” his Daddy asked.

“I’m just going upstairs to explore my testicles.”

“Okay. Thanks for the update.”

My husband immediately came to find me. “Did you know that Bucket Head is going upstairs to explore his testicles?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I forgot to tell you. He’s totally into his junk now.”

“Oh. Okay. How’d that come up?”

“He saw an unneutered dog at the park the other day. He’s been obsessed ever since. I’m trying to encourage him to stop dropping trou in public.”

“Sounds good.”

“Oh—and honey? If he sees you naked, he might think he’s getting a puppy.”


This isn’t the first time Bucket Head has let his freak flag fly around dogs. If you liked this post, you should definitely read about the phase he went through last summer.

Free at last…

My sister-from-another-mister Megan over at Declutter Daily is doing her own special version of “Wordless Wednesday” today. She’s always up to something good, so I thought I’d get on the bus with her. I’m not very good at keeping my kale-hole shut, so like Megan, this will be an Almost-Wordless-Wednesday. Here goes…

Ike’s finally home.

He looks a little sad to me, though… like prison has changed him.

We’ll get through this together.

Today, life is good.


Welcome home, Ike. We missed you, sweet boy.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Doggone Good Advice

In exactly 24 hours I’ll be reunited with my faithful friend Ike upon the completion of his 10 day quarantine. If I have a film crew with me (i.e., a child holding my iPhone), we will edit the reunion sequence to include a slow motion run toward each other followed by an obscene amount of licking and crotch sniffing (hopefully done by the dog and not by me), all to the tune of Reunited and it feels so good… by Peaches and Herb. It’s a wonder I’m not a famous director, really it is.

So for Just the Tip Tuesday, in honor of my canine companion and his extreme sacrifice to protect his family, I’d like to share something about dogs today. This is one of those things that gets forwarded over and over through email, so you may have seen it before. I printed it out years ago after one of the many dog lovers in my life forwarded it to me. I loved it then, I love it even more today. Even if you are not a dog lover, pay attention… this is full of life tips we can all enjoy. Sadly, I do not know who the original author is; if you do, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

Things We Can Learn from a Dog

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.

5. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.

7. Run, romp, and play daily.

8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

9. Be loyal.

10. Never pretend to be something you’re not.

11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

18. No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Wagging with loyal anticipation,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

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