A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: emily g’s jam of love

Summer break, a job, awards, jam, love, & sex.

Today is the last day of school for my two big ‘uns, and my Bucket Head finished last Friday. Yes, you are correct, kids in the South DO get out of school a lot earlier than other kids. That’s because we need to get them out in the fields picking cotton with us ASAP or we won’t have a snowball’s chance in H-E-Double-Fucking-Hockeysticks to win the Blue Ribbon for the biggest crop at the County Faaaaaaair.

Image credit: Places in the Heart: Kobal Collection

On the plus (and minus) side, our kids also return to school at a ridiculously early date: August 9th. It is so backasswards, I’ve been here 9 years and I still can’t get my head around it. By the time August rolls around we’ll finally have found our summer stride and it will be way too hot for the kids to be in school all day. That’s when we need to be lying about in hammocks and skipping rocks and lazing around the pool all day…not shopping for school supplies and new shoes, dammit.

I did the math for you: our summer is 75 days long. Hold me. At least it is two days shorter than last year.

But on a positive note, this week TWO of my children won awards for Perfect Attendance! I know! Can you believe it?! Nature Boy and Mini-Me both made it through the entire school year without missing a single dingle damn day. I’m proud of my kids and all, but really it should be the parents who get this award for nurturing their children’s kick-ass immune systems and/or getting their kids lazy bones out of bed and to the bus stop on time all year long. So I’m commandeering this award for myself. Suck it, kids.


Hey, you know what doesn’t suck? My friend Emily G’s Jam of Love. (This is not a sponsored post, nor is it an example of how to do a smooth segue.) I just bring this up because one of my lovely readers (Lisa) was kind enough to point out to me that I never announced who won my first ever (and probably only) giveaway! Doy-yoy-yoy! Sorry about that. It was Jane. I used Random.org’s sequence generator and it told me that commenter #53 was the winner, so congrats Jane! I hope you like your jams as much as I do!

And speaking of exciting news (and bad segues), I got a job…a real job…a job that pays cash money instead of just frozen corn dogs and body washes to review. Seriously PR people, back the fark off. We don’t want your crappy products. We want money and/or gift cards to the Liquor Barn.

Anyhoooo, my fancy new job comes with a real live press release and everything! This is the real deal, yo, and I couldn’t be more excited or proud. I feel like I have hit the Mother Lode by working with the InThePowderRoom team. They get me. They really get me. And I can actually make jokes about things like anal sex and boners and stool samples on conference calls and not get fired. Remember that ten year gap on my resume? Completely irrelevant now. Keep the faith, my fellow SAHMs…if a foul-mouthed kale-eating hooker like ME can find a dream job, there is hope for us all.

Lastly, I have to tell you something. My sweet husband, The Gatekeeper, stopped reading my blog posts (both here and In The Powder Room) several months ago. He did that because he doesn’t usually like what I write about him, men in general, or sexytimes (or lack thereof). But yesterday, our anniversary, he saw that I was scanning an old picture of us and was curious to know what I wrote.

Well apparently he liked it because he emailed me a written response to share with you all. I’m completely verklempt. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to share with you a guest post by The Gatekeeper:

Yes I would most definitely do it all again.  But I have to say, her efforts to get me to notice her were totally un-necessary, I mean WOW how could I not notice her, she was beautiful (and still is).  By the time we connected at our friend’s goodbye party I was hooked, and after our coffee date I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

What she didn’t tell you is that she tried to break up with me after our 4th date (the 4th date had some significance in her mind??).  She said she was getting too serious about me and was not ready to be in a committed relationship.  So I listened, but instead I suggested that we go to Reno and get married.  I called her the next morning still pushing the Reno idea.

We didn’t run off to Reno but we did stay together.  The year we got engaged we went to Pittsburgh for Christmas.  While there we went to visit the parents of a good friend of Leslie’s, to wish them a Merry Christmas and share our news.  I remember the Father saying something like, remember how you feel about each other right now and carry that feeling with you throughout your marriage.  It was great advice and no matter what is going on in our lives I keep that memory close and I am reminded of just how crazy in love I am with her.

(*sniffle sniffle, HONK*)

I mean really.

Excuse me. I need a moment.

Okay, I’m back. That Father he’s referring to was my college friend Jen’s dad Larry. We still send each other Christmas cards every year.

By the way, I found a picture of The Gatekeeper in that hat I mentioned yesterday. Ladies and gay men, brace yourselves:


Hubba hubba!

AND he can cook, too.

Back off, bitches. He’s mine…all mine.

Have a beautiful Memorial Day Weekend everyone, and please, don’t come a knockin’ if the minivan is a-rockin’.



Jam on Your Mother’s Day Gift Giving!

I hardly ever do product reviews or giveaways.

Actually, I’ve never done a product review or giveaway.

And I’ve been blogging for nearly 4 years, so that’s a lot of free shit I’ve turned down.

Nothing against bloggers who do these things on a regular basis, it’s just not my thang. For starters, I’m pretty lazy. Secondly, I’m in a life-or-death battle against clutter; the last thing I need is MORE stuff in my house to sample and review. And thirdly, I am very picky. Honestly, for my first sponsored review, I am holding out for something epic like a Showcase Showdown prize package on The Price is Right. (Wish me luck.)

Sure, I’ve named a few products out of the goodness of my heart over the past few years that I love, like thisthis, and this. And there was that one time I accidentally offered free sex in exchange for some unbroken taco shells. Actually, I got some coupons out of that hot mess, so that was cool. (Hi Jeff. Call me.)

Also, one time? (At Band Camp?) Because I was naive? And didn’t realize it was a slimy thing to do? I let some guy slip his link into one of my old posts for 50 bucks. It felt as dirty as it sounds. Oh well, live and learn.

But I’m getting to the point in my blogging career where I’d like to try different kinds of writing and maybe even eventually earn some fun money to support my addiction-du-jour.

So today, I’m going to attempt my first ever product review and giveaway! I’m doing it for a friend, fo’ free, because I need the practice, I love her, and she’s willing to be my guinea pig.

Meet Emily.

Isn’t she lovely?

She’s really funny too. If you follow her on Twitter, you already know this.

Emily makes jam.

But this is not your grandma’s jam. Oh no no no.

Emily has her own company called Emily G’s Jam of Love. She makes badass jams, sauces, and seasonings.

Jalapeño Raspberry and Strawberry Chipotle are my two favorites so far.

I like to serve the Strawberry Chipotle over a brick of softened cream cheese with crackers for an easy appetizer that is slap-yo-baby-good.

And you haven’t really lived until you’ve tried a Brie Quesadilla with Jalapeño Raspberry jam.

Emily sells her unique jams at retail locations all over the USA. She also partners with chefs and restaurants who want to use Jam of Love in their menus. Because FYI, jam isn’t just for PB&J sandwiches anymore! (*eye roll and tch-sound*)

With just a few basic ingredients, you can turn one of Emily’s jams into a sophisticated sauce that will liven up any dish. And she’s got a whole page of recipes and cheese pairings to make it easy for you.

Twice now, I’ve made Emily’s Salmon with Wine and Mustard recipe. As if a jam made with Cabernet Sauvignon could be anything BUT lick-the-plate worthy. This is my new go-to salmon dish…so easy, but so gooooooood. Even Bucket Head gobbled it up, and he tends to only eat paste-colored foods as a general rule.

Emily G's Salmon with Wine and Mustard, served with roasted broccoli and rice.

Check out the professional grill marks. My husband rocks.

So get this. Emily has offered to send one of my readers a custom gift box of three full-sized jams! Look how pretty:

This lovely gift box is valued at $29.99 and would make a fabulous Mother’s Day gift! Emily will even ship it directly to whomever you’d like, including a card if it’s a gift.

To enter the giveaway, just leave me a comment below (one comment per person, please). If it were any easier, you’d need a washcloth and a cigarette afterward.

And let’s make it interesting, m’kay? I want your comment to include a line about a time that your mom helped you out of a jam. (See what I did there?) If you can’t think of anything (for whatever reason)…

…you can tell us of a way that someone else helped you out of a jam.

Okay fine, just tell us about a jam, any jam. Keep it clean. Kidding. Go for it. Whatever.

I’ll start.

My mom sent her boyfriend to get my car out of an icy ditch before the cops could arrive and discover I was an underage driver.

That’s a true story, by the way. My mom’s boyfriend eventually became my step father, and the two of them have been regularly helping me out of jams for the past 27 years.

Okay, your turn!

I will randomly draw a winner on Friday 5/4/12 at 12:00 EDT. I will then notify the winner via email. If said winner doesn’t respond within 72 hours to said email, I will randomly pick another winner, rinse, and repeat. Don’t make me work too hard. Emily and I have things to do, people.

Garsh, did I mention this is my first giveaway. I hope I don’t muck it up too much. Please be gentle with me.

Oh yeah, there are rules:

  • No duplicate comments.
  • No purchase necessary.
  • Void where prohibited.
  • Always wipe from front to back.
  • This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Do you know how hard it is to ship food out of the country? It’s hard. Sorry. Get over it.

Please note, I have NOT asked you to “like” The Bearded Iris on Facebook as part of this giveaway. It is my understanding that the FTC frowns on such behavior. But it wouldn’t kill you to show people how you feel. Be a mensch. It’s two clicks. And take a sweater; you never know.

with unconditional motherly love,

-Leslie (aka Iris)

 This is not a sponsored post. I have received no compensation or goods in exchange for this review. All opinions are my own. Yes, they are real, and they are spectacular. 

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