A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: freak accidents

What NOT to do when someone faints.

“Ask and ye shall receive.”

I asked you to tell me your most embarrassing freak accidents, and boy howdy did you deliver!

Love, love, LOVE all the great comments you left over the weekend!

I am not always able to respond to every comment personally, but please know that I do read every single one. I particularly enjoyed Colleen’s story about the mutant June Bug/unibrow/bike collision, Delilah’s postpartum fainting spell on the crapper showcasing her newly acquired crotch carnage, and Cynthia’s sewing table/nipple-pinch incident! Holy CRAP!!! I’m pretty sure my unibrow, nipples, and taint are all crying right now in solidarity. But I think the freak accident tale that touched my heart the most was Lizzie’s curious childhood experimentation with weird inanimate objects. Lizzie honey, that is TOTALLY the kind of thing I would have done (and probably did) as a child. Bless our hearts!

So thank you all from the bottom of my vaso-challenged vagus nerve for your awesome stories and well wishes. You definitely made me feel like less of an isolated dork and more like a member of a wonderful community of accident prone freaks from around the globe. I love you guys.

Also, thanks to your awesome comments, I learned some important first aid tips! (Thank you Peg and Kat1e!)

Apparently, my husband and I did everything wrong when he found me face-down on the bathroom floor last week: he moved me (my back and neck are still sore), we didn’t call 911, I took 4 Advil, and I went back to sleep.

Luckily for me, this tale did not end on a tragic note. If my neck/head injury had been any worse, any one of these responses could have permanently maimed or killed me.

But let’s use my experience as a learning opportunity. Someday, you or someone in your vicinity may faint or bump their head. Learn what to do before you find yourself in such an emergency!

As my gift to you, I have combed the Internet for the most clear and concise first aid tips related to my recent injury.

If someone faints, here’s the proper way to respond (according to the Mayo Clinic, which is much more reliable than the Mustard Clinic, aka Poupon U, for health related questions, in my humble opinion).

Head injury? Here’s what to do.

Got bruises? Do this.

I think the main first aid tip I take from this incident, other than trying to stay more hydrated on a daily basis, is that if you suspect a brain injury or concussion:

…use acetaminophen (Tylenol, others). Avoid other pain relievers such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and aspirin, as there’s a possibility these medications may increase the risk of bleeding. (from Mayo Clinic: Concussion)

Now let’s be careful out there. And educate others so they don’t accidentally paralyze you while they’re trying to save your mildly dehydrated life.

And for the love of God, never stick a toilet plunger to your belly, or jump for joy while you’re on the steps, or lean over the mixer with your long hair, or step on a banana peel.

I would miss you if you died a violent sewing table malfunction/nipple-pinching related death!

That is all.



I put the FREAK in freak accidents!

I’m no stranger to freak accidents.

When I was 10 I actually fell through a rotten wooden picnic table at a birthday party and broke my arm.

One time when I was in high school, my cousin Matt high-fived me a little too enthusiastically and broke one of my fingers.

I once attempted to catch an open tin can that I had accidentally knocked off the counter. That so’mbitch cut my hand open so wide I could see the bone.

And perhaps you recall the time I tried to pet a snapping turtle. (Doy-yoy-yoy.)

Well, I may have topped my record for stupidest accident this week. And that’s why I haven’t been around much, in case you noticed. (And if you noticed, thank you!)

But let’s start with a riddle to make it more fun! What do you get when you combine a 42 year old deeply sleeping woman, a vivid nightmare about forgetting to turn off the oven, and a hard linoleum bathroom floor?


Yep. That’s me…in the ER Thursday afternoon.

Apparently I got dizzy when I jumped out of bed too fast at 3 AM Thursday morning to turn off the oven (in my dream) and then I fainted in the bathroom and landed FACE FIRST on the floor.

My sweet husband (already awake from me screaming “Oh my God! I forgot to turn off the oven!”) heard the thump and came running only to find me lying face down like a rag doll on the bathroom floor. I remember hearing him try to rouse me with “Are you okay?! Can you hear me?” and then he manhandled my limp body back to the bed. Unfortunately, he probably did more damage trying to hoist my dead-weight ass off the floor than I did landing smack on my kisser, because my neck and back are even more sore than my bruised and battered punim* today.

But the scariest part? When he picked my unresponsive body off the floor and I slowly “came to,” I was completely blind. I couldn’t even tell that there were lights on in the room. And the blindness lasted for about 3 minutes. Without a doubt, it was the single most frightening experience of my life. Even more frightening than that time I accidentally saw my grandma naked. {shudder}

Yeah, we probably should have called an ambulance, but it was 3 AM and all three of my kids were sound asleep. Plus, there was no way in hell I was going to let my neighbors see me being carried away on a gurney in my BITE ME (Primanti Brothers) t-shirt with a mangled face shouting “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” Like I’d give anyone that kind of gift. Sorry, I’m just not that generous.

So I did what my Dad told me to do the first time I fractured my arm when I was 7 after I rode my bike into a parked car, and I “shook it off.” I took 4 Advil, put an icepack on my pie hole, and cried myself to sleep wondering what the hell was wrong with me that I would pass out like that. (If you’re playing along at home, you know I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in 5 weeks.)

Are you with me so far?

When I woke up a few hours later I was sore, foggy headed, and worried. My husband took the day off and drove me to my doctor. She did a bunch of neurological tests and an EKG. Everything looked good. But she was really concerned about me temporarily losing the sight in both of my eyes, so she sent me to the Emergency Room for some more tests.

Yada yada yada, a quick stop at a drive-thru for a spicy chicken sandwich, and then next thing I knew I was hooked up to an IV with my head in a tube for a CT Scan.

Luckily for me, my husband does a great Arnold Schwarzenegger impression from the movie Kindergarten Cop: “It’s not a tumor.” Because seriously, I was so sure that the doctor was going to come back and tell me I had a growth the size of a honey dew melon that I was pretty darn scared.

But guess what?!

It’s not a tumor. 

My fainting was caused by mild dehydration, my extraordinarily low blood pressure, and standing up too fast.

So the good news is that I’m fine.

Well, as fine as one can be with a black eye, a fat lip, a sore shoulder, and a stiff neck.

You do not even want to know what kind of looks I was getting at the preschool Easter Egg hunt yesterday.

And my daughter went to school and told her teacher, the Room Mom, and her track coaches that I fell in the middle of the night and hit my head, so you know those Nosy Nellies are all “Glug-glug, wink-wink!”

Honestly, my pride hurts more than my face.

And so that’s where I’ve been the last few days.

Don’t worry, I have a check up scheduled for next week and have been religiously keeping myself hydrated since I got home from the hospital.

Now please tell me you have some kind of asinine freak accident story to share so I don’t feel like such a dork.


*Punim is Yiddish for “face.” Get your mind out of the gutter.

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