I’m a numbers nerd. I like to count things and balance my checkbook for fun. Sexy, I know.

So one of the most interesting things to me about blogging is the behind-the-scenes access to Internet statistics. I’ll never forget the first time I realized I could see the actual phrases people type into search engines that lead them to The Bearded Iris. What a revelation! That was the same day I learned to stop tagging my posts with potentially dirty phrases like “sticky panties.” Ew. Should have tagged that one “static cling” instead. Hindsight.

Yes, my friends, I know for a fact that there are people out there searching for things like:

“what does Johnny Depp smell like?”

“pantyhose encased camel toe

jennifer love hewitt vulva

farting mom

I know this, because a small handful of searchers for these tidbits have been directed here to little ol’ me. And yes, I have indeed written posts containing each of those keywords or phrases. It’s only a matter of time before the Pulitzers come pouring in.

Don’t panic – we cannot see who you are, exactly. But we know you’re out there…cheeky monkeys.

This week’s Listography is about our top five keyword searches of all-time. Thankfully, none of mine include the phrases “jacked up toenails” or “anal bleaching” (those phrases appear much further down the list).

1. How to remove gel nail polish at home
Looks like I’m not the only frugal gal out there looking to un-DIY a shellac manicure! Howdy, gals. Happy to serve.

2. Droopy Dog
Once upon a time, there was a lethargic but shrewd cartoon dog named Droopy. His saggy face reminded me of a poor woman whose Botox injections paralyzed her eyelids. I honestly don’t know why so many people are searching for this ancient anime. Maybe nostalgic parents sick of hearing their kids repeat the rude language they learn in cartoons today are pulling their angry tweens to over to their monitors saying “Now THIS? This guy, Droopy Dog, he was a classic! He never said things like ‘shut your halfwit pie hole’ or ‘How the H are we gonna fix this S?'” Either that or there are a lot of shy looking older men giving BJs in exchange for yard work. Day-yam. The things I learn on the google!

3. Feminine Hygiene Tips
Well bless your hearts and “self-cleaning ovens!” This is one of my all-time favorites. And apparently it is one of your favorites too. In fact, according to my Referring Site Stats, there is a group of mommies in the Lake Hartwell area passing this post around like chicken at a church picnic. Thanks, you hairy Lake Hartwell harlots!

4. Buckwheat
Now this one I feel a little bad about. Hopefully these poor people weren’t searching for information regarding buckwheat – the grain. Because what they found instead when they clicked through to my blog was a visual reference to my ungroomed lady garden. Sorry, buckwheat fans. As a public service, here is a link to some delicious looking buckwheat pancakes instead.

5. Hot Hairy Italian Men
Yes, please. Ain’t no secret: I like ’em and I married one. Sure, my house is harder to clean than yours. Shoot, I even find hair in my freezer. But trust me, it’s worth it.

Curious to know the inside scoop of some other great blogs? Or perhaps you’re a blogger with your own unbelievable keyword searches to share? Well head on over to Kate Take’s 5 and join the fun. You won’t believe some of the keyword searches out there…scary, funny, beyond bizarre. Check it out.

yours truly,


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