A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: funny moms (Page 2 of 2)

Don’t try this at home.

This week’s Listography over at Kate Takes 5 is all about Bad Combinations. Here are a few perfect examples taken from Kate’s sister’s Facebook page:

Wind \ Hair \ Lipgloss

Old people \ The Internet

Bikini Waxes \ Dignity

To which Kate added her own list of five. Very funny – and true. Especially if you have young kids and/or know what Sudocream is.

I’d like to add a few of my own, based upon personal experience. The rules of Listography limit me to just five, which is unfortunate because I feel like creating bad combos might just be my forté. Come to think of it, pretty much every Listography I’ve ever participated in deals with the inappropriate pairing of things… like gum chewing and Communion wafers, Catholic Picture Bibles and Satan reach arounds, nine year old suburban white girls and Barry White albums, emotionally retarded adult children of divorce and weddings. Hmmm… have I just cracked some kind of top secret Irish code?

So, not wanting to take the easy way out, I thought I’d reflect on some additional bad combos I’ve experienced in life. Here is just a small sample, ribbed for your pleasure:

1.) snapping turtle \ impromptu roadside petting zoo

snapping turtles bite... duh.

Image credit: Phillip Higgins

Apparently, they’re called Snapping Turtles for a reason. Who knew?

2.) chopping jalapeno peppers \ removing contact lenses
I’m pretty sure every child in my neighborhood is now familiar with the howled version of the phrase: “HOLY FUCKING HELL! MY EYES! MY EYES! I’VE BLINDED MYSELF! AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!”

3.) really nice Scouting dads \ me \ playing cornhole


4.) Christmas party \ winter white wool dress slacks \ explosive diarrhea
Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t just wear a diaper to my sister in law’s house every Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if it is her homemade eggnogg, or the raw oysters, or just a psychosomatic response at this point, but something horrific happens in my bowels every year shortly after our holiday dinner at her house. Every. Single. Frickin’. Year. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m not invited back next year, so it shouldn’t be an issue. Wow, imagine that, a poop story. Weird. So unlike me.

5.) parent-teacher conference \ speech impaired child \ dick jokes
True story. Last week The Gatekeeper and I went in for Bucket Head’s Speech IEP (Individualized Education Plan). Partway into the meeting, Bucket Head comes over to tell us “Look at my magic dick!” Of course, what he was holding was not his penis at all, but rather a magnetic wand, or STICK. However, since he can’t articulate beginning blends like “ST,” he substitutes the “D” sound. “Stick” becomes “dick.” Magical? Indeed. Oh yes, I did. And oh no, it wasn’t appreciated (or probably even noticed). Feeling the unbearable weight of the airborne potential joke, I even asked Bucket Head to repeat it: “What’s that thing called honey?” “My magic dick!” “Oh that’s awesome! Daddy has one of those too.” Nope. Nothing. Like casting pearls to swine, I tells ya. But thank God for you people! At least someone appreciates my humor.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to prepare some skits for my church’s Vacation Bible School. What? Is that another bad combo? Oh, fine. Don’t worry, I won’t perform them sober.

yours truly,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a cute little heart-themed Walmart tin filled with Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies. This is my own special twist on the classic candy vulvas I brought to my Church Christmas Pot Luck dinner a few years ago, proving that “Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus.”

"To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris."

“To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris.”

 

Made with waffle shaped pretzels, Rolo candies, and pecans, they are the perfect combo of salty and sweet. And they are as much fun to make as they are to eat. Especially when you get creative with the vajazzle supplies and effects.

A Variety of Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

Vajazzle variety is the key to fun with these tasty VD treats. My favorite look was the “inflamed pustule” achieved with a lone Red Hot placed to the side of each pecan.

The "inflamed pustule" look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

The “inflamed pustule” look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

Ouch! That makes me want a sitz bath just looking at it! Fortunately, it tastes better than it looks.

But for my more mature friends (in terms of chronological age… not behavior), “The Silver Fox” style is sure to please. Who doesn’t love coconut? Especially when it is used to simulate aging lady parts. I said SIMULATE, not stimulate.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

And then there’s the Jennifer Love Hewitt Collection, because nothing says “look at my hoo-hoo” like some sparkly bling and a bit of pink frosting.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

I mean, are these adorable or what? Here’s how you and the kids can make your own tray of Vajazzled Valentine Vulvas to take to Grandma’s house tonight:

1.) Set oven to 250° F

2.) Lay out waffle shaped pretzels on cookie sheet.

3.) Top each one with a Rolo candy.

4.) Bake for 3 minutes.

5.) Top each with a pecan and smoosh it down.

6.) Vajazzle (if desired).

Cool completely before serving or packaging. Speaking of which, Nora and Jim, check your mailbox. Happy VD everyone!

Now candy coated with sparkles and Red Hots, your friend,

-Leslie

PS: For more Valentines related fun (and then some), please follow me on Pinterest.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

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