A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: funny (Page 2 of 3)

Five Great Books for Toddlers and Tired Parents

So today, the first day of Lent, I asked my two older kids if they understood the significance of the 40 days leading up to Easter.

My oldest said: “Yeah – that’s how long Jesus was in the desert. You know, when that naked Satan was pressed up against him from behind.”

Me: “WHAT?!!!”

Him: “The picture… in that white bible. The one where Jesus is in a robe and it looks like Satan is naked.”

Me: (OMG. WTF?)

Him: “He might not be naked though. You can’t see his wiener. He might be wearing a thong.”

Me: (Oh.  My.  God.  WTF? WTF???)

I raced for the Catholic Picture Bible Mini-Me received as a baptism present from her God Mother and sure enough:

Page 114: The Temptation of Jesus in the Desert

Just great.

Let’s create an image for our children of Satan as a nudist sodomite, shall we? Scared straight! Turn away from sin, kids, or naked Satan will bugger you! He looks like he’s totally reaching for a handful there, doesn’t he? Of course the disco era feathered headband isn’t helping. Is that Satan or one of the Village People?

And how does my 11 year old even know what a thong is?

That Catholic Picture Bible is just chalk full of goodies. My kids’ favorite (other than naked Satan) is the story about the beheading of John the Baptist. It’s a gruesome enough tale, unillustrated. But in a picture bible… oooh weee:

Page 150: The Beheading of John the Baptist

Why yes, that IS a decapitated head on a silver platter. Pass the salt and pepper, please.

I don’t know about you, but when my kids are reading books, I don’t like to see facial expressions like these:


Which brings me to this weeks Listography, brought to us by the lovely and talented Kate at Kate Takes 5.

This week’s topic: Books and Babies.  Specifically, five favorite books for toddlers, as opposed to books that frighten and disgust them like my Catholic Picture Bible.

Hmmm. I do loves me some books. How will I narrow it down to five?

Kate makes a great suggestion:

The one piece of advice I wish I had been given when I started buying my kids books was this: Not only does your child need to love the book – you do too – because you will probably be reading it to them six times a night for the next six months. ‘Again mummy, again’!

Kate, my darling, you are so right. But, I’ll take that one further and say that not only do you both have to love the book, but even better if the child can read it by themselves while you are “resting your eyes,” and trying to catch up on the sleep you missed while you were blogging into the wee hours.

So here it is, amigos… my five favorite books that toddlers can read all by themselves:

1. ) Blue Hat, Green Hat by Sandra Boynton.

Delightfully funny. Will help your child learn colors, clothing, and comedic timing. Your little ones will be reciting this by heart in no time, thus freeing you up to nap, check email on your iPhone, or paint your nails while they “read” to you.

2.) Cookie’s Week by Cindy Ward and Tomie dePaola

Learning the days of the week has never been more fun or easy… and all while Mommy is sleeping off her hangover. Great watercolor illustrations, adorable main character, one sentence per page. Spoiler alert: Cookie falls into a toilet… a gen-u-ine knee slapper for all.

3.) Good Dog, Carl by Alexandra Day

My favorite kind of board book for toddlers… there are only words on the first page and the last page… the rest of the pages are illustrations with no words. Therefore, it is a different story every time you (or your children) tell it! It sounds like more work, but it’s not. Trust me. After you read it twice, the kids knock themselves out trying to make it even funnier than you did. Refill your glass and sit back while the kids do all the work.  By the way, Carl is the best dog ever. He babysits! And he even cleans up before the mom gets home. Take some notes, my bad dog Ike… you suck.

 

4.) Good Night, Gorilla by Peggy Rathmann

This might be my favorite of the lot. Again, an almost completely wordless book that is absolutely captivating. The illustrations alone are worth it, but the silliness of this book really captures kids’ (and their parents’) hearts. There is one scene, I swear to God, that is even worth staying awake for. If you or your kids can do a variety of animal impressions, even better. I frickin’ love this book.

 

5.) No, David! by David Shannon.

Nose-picking, playing with food, and toddler streaking… what’s not to like? But in addition, your kid will be able to read this back to you on day one. Funny illustrations and a great message of unconditional love. I always enjoy this one as a peace offering when I lose my cool and strain my vocal chords. Hey, it happens. Why not have a book on hand that helps you all survive it?

How about you? What are your favorite children’s books?

Sincerely yours,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Ten Skin Care Tips I Wish Had Followed

Had to take the youngest to the dermatologist the other day to have a weird warty thing on his earlobe removed. We actually had it burned off once before, but it grew right back like a mini devil horn.

Wanna see it? You know you do.

See? It’s even shaped liked a horn. Told you!

Bucket Head/Spider-Man called it his “Molpie Thing,” and it was as much a part of him as his curly hair and perma-wrinkly sucking thumb. We ignored it for a long time when it grew back, but it recently got to the point where his teachers and peers were commenting about it and making him feel bad. Fuckers.

Here’s what it looked like from another angle. Once I realized it had a face, I knew it was time to part ways. I have enough mouths to feed.

So off to the dermatologist we went.

Now let me tell you something, the dermatologist’s waiting room is not the place to be if you have a poor self-esteem.

Everywhere you look there are reminders of what’s wrong with the way you look and how you can improve it.

“When your neck looks younger, so do you.”

“Show your frown lines some love!”

“Winter Hand Rejuvenation Special: includes a laser hand treatment and a FREE retail size of Lumiquin.”

“Ask about Sculptra Aesthetic… the first facial injectable that gives you subtle results over time.”

“Inadequate or not enough lashes? Ask your doctor if LATISSE is right for you.”

Jesus H. Christ. I get it, I get it. My face, my neck, my hands, even my tiny little eyelashes are all not good enough. Great. Thanks for that, evil marketing geniuses. Just the little boost I needed today. As if I don’t have enough on my mind imagining how it will be to once again hold my screaming three-year-old down while a doctor snips and cauterizes an inch away from his little face.

Needless to say: not a pleasant experience, before, during, or after.

But it got me thinking…

I don’t have great skin. I’m 40 years old and I spent every summer of my youth sautéeing myself in baby oil and sea salt. I have pictures of myself as a tween/teen/young adult where my sunburns were so bad I looked like I had been pulled out of a lobster pot. Add a sprinkling of adult acne, some patches of melasma leftover from pregnancy, a handful of suspicious moles, my infamous hormone-induced facial hair… and we have the makings for a dermatologist’s wet dream. Seriously, when I walk into my dermatologist’s office it’s like Norm walking into Cheers.

I’d like to help you avoid the same fate, so for today’s Just the Tip Tuesday post, I’m going to share with you the best skin care tips I never followed but wish I had. Some of these are so basic, I’m sure you know them already. But there might be a few new ones you didn’t know, so don’t leave before we pull out the pimple shaped piñata, okay? Here we go:

1.) Wear sunscreen everyday. Put it on your face, neck, and upper chest. Bonus points if you remember to spread it on the backs of your hands.  Seriously, my step mother won’t even go out to the mail box without her sunscreen and she has awesome skin.

2.) Wash your face every night before bed. My mother in law is 81 years old and doesn’t have a single deep set wrinkle on her face. She had 12 children, so I suspect that she was so busy living in a shoe and all that her face never saw the light of day. But in addition to that, she swears by Cetaphil cleanser. Buys it in bulk at Costco. Trust me, she is gorgeous.

3.) Apply eye cream with your ring finger. The skin surrounding your eyes is the most delicate skin on your face. Your ring finger is the weakest finger on your hand. The two are a match made in heaven. Also, a cosmetologist once told me that there are no oil glands around your eyes. Don’t know if that is true or not, but the look on her face when I told her I wasn’t using eye cream? You would have thought I had just confessed to making out with Hitler. I now use eye cream. And I always apply it with my ring finger. You should too.

4.) Don’t frown so much. They’re called frown lines for a reason, duh.

5.) Drink more water. No brainer. We all know it. But if you are anything like me, it can be hard to squeeze the water in between the coffee all morning and the wine all afternoon. Best tip for that I never follow is to drink a small glass of water every hour on the hour. Set your watch or smart phone to beep every hour to remind you… it will become a Pavlovian response.

6.) Don’t wear panties to bed… they cause cellulite! Seriously. Not making this up. Side benefit: also a marriage enhancer.

7.) Get your beauty sleep. This is critical for cell regeneration. Just make sure you do it nekkid from the waist down. See above.

8.) Pick it with your elbows. This one comes from the home office… passed down from my father and his father before that. To clarify, they were talking about zits and not splinters or lotto scratch off tickets.

9.) Gently push back your cuticles after every bath or shower. I never do this and my hands look like feet. Man feet. My sister in law Teresa has the prettiest hands you’ve ever seen. She does this. Seriously, bitch could be a hand model.

10.) Lay off the liquor. Experts say that more than one drink a day can lead to increased oil production and enlarged pores. Fuck my life.

And now, as promised, a pimple shaped piñata. Just make sure you pick it with your elbows.

Image credit: http://loteriachicana.net/

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

You better believe it.

I was wracking my brain to come up with a fabulous, life-altering tip I could share with you for my Just The Tip Tuesday feature today. And then I remembered this really charming motivational slogan and table scape I spied the other day at Kelly Is Inspired:

Check out the rest of her blog too! http://kellyisinspired.blogspot.com/

Cheese and crackers, I love those colors and textures together. Some people just have an eye for that kind of thing. And by some people, I mean not me. Sigh. I decorate like I parent… with a loud voice and a lot of apologies.

Anyhoo, those sassy pink Chucks reminded me of the very same ones my darling Mini-Me (formerly known as Klepto) wore and destroyed in less than 24 hours.

before

after

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which then got me thinking about what a passionate and intensely committed child my Mini-Me is, in every part of her life. We’re talking balls-to-the-wall, that girl.

And that’s when I remembered going through her school papers last week and finding this:

“I can Do it!”

It’s the back of her weekly timed math facts test. Just in case you can’t see the picture, it says in very neatly printed 2nd grader handwriting “I can Do it!” And it is circled for emphasis.

I didn’t teach her to do that. What, with all the shouting, and apologizing, and bad decorating – who has time to teach life skills?

So I asked her, “Honey? What’s this on the back of your test?”

And she said, very nonchalantly, “Oh, I just felt like writing it.”

“Where did you learn to do that?” I asked, thinking she must have copied it off someone else’s paper.

“Nowhere. It just came to me,” she replied.

So I enthused: “That is SO cool! Do you think it helped?”

“Shhhhya-ah! Look at my score! It was my highest ever!” (Like, duh Mom, totally.)

And I thought to myself: that is one awesome kid. At the tender age of eight, she already knows one of the secrets to the universe:

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.
~ Henry Ford

Hot damn, I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Just with cleaner shoes.

Believe and achieve! Your friend,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

New Stamps Keep Mailmen Happy

Remember a few years ago when the hot topic was disgruntled postal workers going on shooting sprees?

Well, looks like they’ve come up with a new way to keep the mailmen happy:

This, my friends, is a page of stamps I bought the other day at my local post office. Apparently it is the Year of the Rabbit! I’m not really sure what the Chinese Lunar New Year has to do with two very rotund kumquats hanging just so, but clearly it does or this perky image would not be immortalized on the newest Forever Stamps.

Is it just me, or do those kumquats look an awful lot like a nice pair of sweater puppets?

No? Don’t see it?

How about now:

Ahhh, fun with Photoshop. Don’t worry, Postmaster General, no actual stamps were harmed in this process.

I think the concept is pretty brilliant, really. Naturally, if the mailmen are thinking about boobies, they’ll be too happy to shoot anyone.

My sweet husband, The Gatekeeper, would like you to know that he does not think these kumquats look anything at all like breasts. Poor thing. He probably thinks they are supposed to look more like this:

Shhhh. Nobody tell him, okay?

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a cute little heart-themed Walmart tin filled with Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies. This is my own special twist on the classic candy vulvas I brought to my Church Christmas Pot Luck dinner a few years ago, proving that “Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus.”

"To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris."

“To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris.”

 

Made with waffle shaped pretzels, Rolo candies, and pecans, they are the perfect combo of salty and sweet. And they are as much fun to make as they are to eat. Especially when you get creative with the vajazzle supplies and effects.

A Variety of Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

Vajazzle variety is the key to fun with these tasty VD treats. My favorite look was the “inflamed pustule” achieved with a lone Red Hot placed to the side of each pecan.

The "inflamed pustule" look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

The “inflamed pustule” look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

Ouch! That makes me want a sitz bath just looking at it! Fortunately, it tastes better than it looks.

But for my more mature friends (in terms of chronological age… not behavior), “The Silver Fox” style is sure to please. Who doesn’t love coconut? Especially when it is used to simulate aging lady parts. I said SIMULATE, not stimulate.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

And then there’s the Jennifer Love Hewitt Collection, because nothing says “look at my hoo-hoo” like some sparkly bling and a bit of pink frosting.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

I mean, are these adorable or what? Here’s how you and the kids can make your own tray of Vajazzled Valentine Vulvas to take to Grandma’s house tonight:

1.) Set oven to 250° F

2.) Lay out waffle shaped pretzels on cookie sheet.

3.) Top each one with a Rolo candy.

4.) Bake for 3 minutes.

5.) Top each with a pecan and smoosh it down.

6.) Vajazzle (if desired).

Cool completely before serving or packaging. Speaking of which, Nora and Jim, check your mailbox. Happy VD everyone!

Now candy coated with sparkles and Red Hots, your friend,

-Leslie

PS: For more Valentines related fun (and then some), please follow me on Pinterest.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Oh, sh!t.

So I go to take Bucket Head to preschool this morning and as I’m getting into the car, I notice that something is wrong.

Hmmmm. I don’t remember leaving all these plastic baggies in the front seat, I thought to myself. Upon closer inspection, I realized “the baggies” were actually just one baggie that had been shredded into numerous pieces. Near the plastic baggie shreds were also several fruit snack wrappers and granola bar wrappers, also torn to bits.

But the big give away was the torn tissues and napkins. I knew as soon as I saw the white fluffy confetti on the floor of the passenger seat that Ike had made his way into the car sometime in the last 12 hours.

"Who, me?"

What the…? How in the world did he get in there?

Then I remembered getting home from my in-laws’ Super Bowl party and carrying one of the sleeping kids into the house, leaving the van door wide open… which to Ike, is simply an invitation to an all-you-can-eat-buffet, doggie style.

I’m a mom. I drive a mini-van. I transport three children to and from a variety of activities every day. Thus, my van always has a cornucopia of crumbs and snack-stashes and dirty napkins strewn throughout it. For a dog like Ike, it is The Promised Land.

Usually, I don’t mind if he takes a quick tour of the van and sucks up the stray crumbs. But the shredding of the baggie, the wrappers, and the tissues means that he had way too much unsupervised time on his hands last night. My bad. Come on, the Steelers were on!

Scrounging for crumbs in the van isn’t his typical hunting style though. He’s usually much more brazen than that. He’s more of a kitchen-counter dine and dash kind of guy. And he’s not very good at covering his tracks. Like the butter wrapper I found on the kitchen floor this morning after my shower.

Or the toothpaste tubes I used to find under my bed before I got wise and started keeping them out of his reach.

The kids are pretty good about not leaving food around. We watch out for each other if someone needs to leave the table, and it’s not uncommon to hear Bucket Head say to his siblings “Protect my food. I’ll be right back,” because inevitably, Bucket Head always has to get up and go to the bathroom the minute he starts to eat. He is Ike’s favorite source for unattended food.

But Ike’s appetites aren’t limited to food, tissues, and toothpaste. He enjoys a variety of toys and art supplies as well. Usually we can hear him unabashedly chomping away on something suspicious and can save the toy before he swallows it. Some toys, like this vintage Fisher-Price Little People girl, put up a really good fight and are hard to swallow.

But other toys, like the stretchy green skeleton that Bucket Head carried around for weeks after Halloween, go down silently and quickly, only to be horrifyingly encased like Han Solo in the black Carbonite. Lucky for you, dear reader, I just so happened to notice this little gem while we were playing in the yard not too long ago. Poor green stretchy skeleton. We will miss you.

My husband, The Gatekeeper, would like you to know that he does not endorse my apparent affinity for scat photography or dressing the pets in Hanna Andersson pajamas.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2021 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑