A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: inappropriate elf contest

Last Minute Holiday Shopping Guide

Holy CRAP – is it really December 20th? Where did this month go?

Well, the good news is that today is the last day you will have to endure my obnoxious vote whoring for Dobbie (#54), the infamous Inappropriate Elf contestant and highly skilled urinographer.

I’m feeling good about Dobbie’s chances today. He’s not in first place, but his magic yellow snow-writing pen has attracted a heck of a lot of votes and he’s right up there with some truly awesome entries. I may not be a talented photographer. I may not be trying to win that iPad2 for a worthy cause. Shoot, I may not even know where my children are at this very moment. But gosh darn it, I know inappropriate and I am a whiz (get it?…see what I did there?) with yellow embroidery floss, family heirlooms, and passive aggression.

So last chance, vote for Dobbie (#54). Contest ends at midnight tonight. Tell your friends.

Now if you’re like me and you’ve squandered the majority of Advent doing horrible, awful, unnatural things, in addition to Inappropriate Elfing, you might need some last minute gift ideas. I’ve got you covered; read my column In the Powder Room today.

Comments are closed here. Go write on the walls In the Powder Room…I’ll be there all day to read your wondrous smut!

fondly and with no artificial sweeteners,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Your Daily Dobbie

Three words, Inappropriate Elfers:


But like a potato chip dipped in chocolate and chased with a body shot of tequila, why stop at one?

That’s right, party people. Dobbie did the whole motherfuckin’ wall. BOO-yah!

No big mystery whose baby picture this one is:

The boobs. They give me away every time.

On three, let’s get out there and do some easily reversible property destruction.



Oh wait, vote for Dobbie, the infamous urinographer. He’s entry #54 at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf contest. One vote per day until the 20th.





Where was I? Oh yeah…


GO! Go forth and gently deface stuff. It’s fun. And it makes me forget how much shit I really should be doing.

Inappropriate and loving it,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Don’t make my Elf get all up in yo’ bidness. He’s got a dark side.

Almost speechless.

Okay, so, remember last summer when that cool chick Maggie left this comment:

Submitted on 2011/07/12 at 6:23 pm

I just love your blog! So much so that I just nominated it as one of the top 50 mom blogs of 2010 (at Babble.com)…

…and I was all, “Babble.com? What’s that?” (Seriously. My tag line should be “Duh…I like to pet da rabbit, George.”)

Yep. That’s my Bucket Head. Bless his heart. He totally gets it from his Mama.

So I went to Babble and checked it out and was like “DOH! Babble is huge!” Specifically, from their “about” page:

Babble already has a National Magazine Award nomination for Best Overall Website (opposite Slate.com) and a Folio magazine award for Best Online Magazine (beating out everyone but Time.com). Time recently named it one of the Top 50 websites of 2010.

(I totally just included that for my parents.)

And then I learned that Babble ranks the top Mom Blogs every year (since 2009). And mega-bloggers like Dooce and The Pioneer Woman and The Bloggess (among others) were in their Top 50 Mom Blogs list last year.


Me: One of my readers, who I don’t even know in real life, likes my blog enough to nominate me as a reader favorite?

I. Died.

Then I looked at the list of other nominated reader favorites and saw that there were well over 1000 of them, and I died again, thinking, “Holy shit. Everyone and their mother has a blog.” (Mwah, mwaaaaaaah went the Debbie Downer trombone in my head.)

Me: Oh well. Who cares. It’s just nice to even be on the reader nominated list! (Glug glug glug.)

So I gave myself a little pep-talk and posted pictures of the special drawing my kitty made for me with her magic butt brush, and asked you to please vote for me. I’m classy like that. “Here’s a picture of some poop! Please vote!” Do yourself a favor and never sit next to me at a funeral.

And then, what happened next, just defies all logic and reasoning.

Did I ever tell you about the time I ran for senior class president in high school and LOST? No? Because it scarred my ass for life, yo. And ever since that fateful day, I’ve been more of a “never try, never fail” kind of gal.

But you voted for me. And you told your spouses to vote. And you shared me with your family and friends and parole officers.

And within a few months, my little ol’ blog went from being #891 to #8 on Babble’s reader nominated list of other favorite 2010 Mom Blogs.

Well guess what.

All that pimping you did made a difference.

The powers that be at Babble.com took notice.

And yesterday they published their new official and expanded list of The Top 100 Mom Blogs of 2011.

And. Guess. Who. Is. ON IT???

The Bloggess, of course.

And The Pioneer Woman.

And Dooce.

And 96 other fabulous bloggers who rock.

And me.

It just boggles my mind.

And their write up of me is about as perfect as it gets. Babble, you nailed it. I’m going to need a crowbar and a can of Crisco to cram my head through the door of the Piggly Wiggly later today. Shoot, maybe I’ll even put on some red lipstick and shave my toes.

So to those of you who believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and/or camel toe. I am forever grateful for your presence here, your support, your comments, your loyalty, and your incredible generosity.

You done good, guys.

Now let’s get Mama that iPad2.





Dobbie is #54, and that tiny yellow snow-writing was really damn hard to do, especially with my flippy flappy.

your humble servant,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.

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