A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: poop jokes

What do elephants, braces, poison, and poop have in common?

Is it over yet? This week, I mean? Geez Louise, I thought it would never end. I’m completely spent.

Which reminds me of a joke…

Q: What do you do if you’re stuck inside an elephant?

A: Run around until you’re all pooped out.

Go ahead, share that with the little ones, just give me credit or I’ll hunt you down and give you an atomic wedgie with a side of Texas Pete.

So, yeah, I’m pooped. My family and I have spent the last two weeks taking care of all the appointments we’ve been dodging for that last several months.

Had the carpet cleaners here on Monday. That’s no small feat. All the tidying up and furniture moving alone is more physical work than I’ve probably done since The Pantry Weevil Invasion of 2011.

The cable guy stopped by to have his butt repeatedly sniffed by my dog while he repaired our phone lines.

And, in the past two weeks, we’ve been to see the orthodontist, two dentists, the podiatrist (twice), the pediatrician, the general practitioner, the hair stylist (hi Kristy!), and even a pediatric surgeon (that’s a post for another day).

 

Nature Boy, 12 years old, before and after braces.

 

That’s my boy. Oh my gosh, be still my heart (and not just because of the price tag for those braces). Love that kid. Totally worth it.

But I’ll tell you what, there is nothing like two weeks of solid check writing for co-pays and deductibles and down payments to make you appreciate your health. When Ben Franklin said “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” homeboy wasn’t playing around.

True, prevention is so much easier and cheaper than treating or curing an injury or disease, no question. But let’s face it, we only have control over so much of our lives.

Sometimes, no matter how good of a parent you are, your toddler is going to eat something they shouldn’t. And regardless of the truly outstanding job you did warning the girls in your scout troop of what to do if they come across a bear in the woods, it will not even dawn on you that all those caterpillars the girls are “petting” could be poisonous!

camping with kids? don't pet the caterpillars!

But never fear, my pretties! I have a great tip for you on how to be more prepared the next time you are faced with an accidental poison or allergic reaction related emergency!

I wrote an article for Circle of Moms called “This Mom Hack Could Save Your Child’s Life!” (catchy, right?) and they liked it enough to feature it as one of their RoundUp articles last month, which is very exciting. They changed the title though to “Why I Have Poison Control on Speed Dial,” so, spoiler alert…you already know the punchline.

It hasn’t deterred 103,000+ people from reading it though, which is pretty damn awesome. Hopefully it will save someone’s life. That would make my heart sing.

That is a good one to read all the way to the end, even if you get the whole “oh yeah, I should have Poison Control in my phone” moral of the story bit. I offer some really cool ideas at the end on how you can turn your cell phone contact list into your bitch.

Hey, the more you know.

Well that’s all I’ve got.

Stay healthy, my friends. Use your noodle to be prepared in case of an emergency. And don’t let any elephants eat you (without your consent).

Have a great weekend!

-Leslie (aka “Iris”)

PS – My blog comment section is closed for the summer, but I’m still loitering pretty frequently on Twitter and Facebook if you want to say hello! :)

And the battle continues.

It’s her least favorite time of the day: the preschool pickup.

She’s not sure why. Is it the ear-splitting din of all those clucking moms and nannies lining the hallways, comparing toddler milestones and extra-curricular schedules? Sometimes she hears snippets and it makes her blood pressure rise. “Did you register Tyler for T-Ball yet?” “All the best summer camps filled up weeks ago.” “Oh, I’ve heard terrible things about that teacher.” “Are y’all doing Swim Team again?”

She always tries to time it so she’s the last one to arrive and won’t have to wait in line with the other women. She knows this is wrong, and it makes her feel even worse about it.

Yesterday she decided to put on her big girl panties and try to be social.

She went early, got in line, said hello. The woman ahead of her wouldn’t even turn around to make eye contact.

The rejection made her feel bad.

Her mind went right to the dark place. “Is it my breath? Did I say something offensive at the Christmas party? OHMYGOD, does she know about my blog?”

So she pulled out her phone, pretending to look busy.

A random Facebook status catches her eye:

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

And she realizes…you never know.

Maybe that lady’s dog just died.

Maybe she’s suffering from a horrible bout of IBS, or alcohol withdrawal, or mild to moderate vaginal itching.

Maybe she just found out that her husband is cheating on her.

Or maybe she was sexually assaulted by someone she trusted.

Maybe she has a sick parent or a child on her third round of chemotherapy.

Or maybe she hasn’t slept well in 12 years because her husband snores like a fucking freight train.

Maybe deep down inside she thinks she’s ugly and is extremely self-conscious about her facial hair.

Or perhaps she has social anxiety and trust issues stemming from her parents’ hideous divorce decades ago.

Who knows? She might just be having a bad day… an overslept, burned the toast, forgot the coupons, stubbed a toe, got poop on her tampon string kind of day. That could explain the vaginal itching, at least.

And most likely, that split-second lack of courtesy has absolutely nothing to do with her.

She has three choices:

1. Just ignore Ms. Nasty Pants.

2. Mirror the negative energy right back in her bitchy face.

3. Be kind.

So she puts her phone away and smiles. And maybe, just maybe, her smile will remind the other women in line that there is good in the world. And even if that woman did accidentally put her thong on sideways, a smile might just be the lifeline she needs to get through another shitty day.

Yes, she will hold her head high and smile anyway.

And that’s when she notices: the woman in front of her is wearing hearing aids.

Maybe tomorrow she’ll tap her on the shoulder before she says hello.

Originally published by In the Powder Room, January 24, 2012. 

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