I’m no stranger to freak accidents.

When I was 10 I actually fell through a rotten wooden picnic table at a birthday party and broke my arm.

One time when I was in high school, my cousin Matt high-fived me a little too enthusiastically and broke one of my fingers.

I once attempted to catch an open tin can that I had accidentally knocked off the counter. That so’mbitch cut my hand open so wide I could see the bone.

And perhaps you recall the time I tried to pet a snapping turtle. (Doy-yoy-yoy.)

Well, I may have topped my record for stupidest accident this week. And that’s why I haven’t been around much, in case you noticed. (And if you noticed, thank you!)

But let’s start with a riddle to make it more fun! What do you get when you combine a 42 year old deeply sleeping woman, a vivid nightmare about forgetting to turn off the oven, and a hard linoleum bathroom floor?

Holla!

Yep. That’s me…in the ER Thursday afternoon.

Apparently I got dizzy when I jumped out of bed too fast at 3 AM Thursday morning to turn off the oven (in my dream) and then I fainted in the bathroom and landed FACE FIRST on the floor.

My sweet husband (already awake from me screaming “Oh my God! I forgot to turn off the oven!”) heard the thump and came running only to find me lying face down like a rag doll on the bathroom floor. I remember hearing him try to rouse me with “Are you okay?! Can you hear me?” and then he manhandled my limp body back to the bed. Unfortunately, he probably did more damage trying to hoist my dead-weight ass off the floor than I did landing smack on my kisser, because my neck and back are even more sore than my bruised and battered punim* today.

But the scariest part? When he picked my unresponsive body off the floor and I slowly “came to,” I was completely blind. I couldn’t even tell that there were lights on in the room. And the blindness lasted for about 3 minutes. Without a doubt, it was the single most frightening experience of my life. Even more frightening than that time I accidentally saw my grandma naked. {shudder}

Yeah, we probably should have called an ambulance, but it was 3 AM and all three of my kids were sound asleep. Plus, there was no way in hell I was going to let my neighbors see me being carried away on a gurney in my BITE ME (Primanti Brothers) t-shirt with a mangled face shouting “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” Like I’d give anyone that kind of gift. Sorry, I’m just not that generous.

So I did what my Dad told me to do the first time I fractured my arm when I was 7 after I rode my bike into a parked car, and I “shook it off.” I took 4 Advil, put an icepack on my pie hole, and cried myself to sleep wondering what the hell was wrong with me that I would pass out like that. (If you’re playing along at home, you know I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in 5 weeks.)

Are you with me so far?

When I woke up a few hours later I was sore, foggy headed, and worried. My husband took the day off and drove me to my doctor. She did a bunch of neurological tests and an EKG. Everything looked good. But she was really concerned about me temporarily losing the sight in both of my eyes, so she sent me to the Emergency Room for some more tests.

Yada yada yada, a quick stop at a drive-thru for a spicy chicken sandwich, and then next thing I knew I was hooked up to an IV with my head in a tube for a CT Scan.

Luckily for me, my husband does a great Arnold Schwarzenegger impression from the movie Kindergarten Cop: “It’s not a tumor.” Because seriously, I was so sure that the doctor was going to come back and tell me I had a growth the size of a honey dew melon that I was pretty darn scared.

But guess what?!

It’s not a tumor. 

My fainting was caused by mild dehydration, my extraordinarily low blood pressure, and standing up too fast.

So the good news is that I’m fine.

Well, as fine as one can be with a black eye, a fat lip, a sore shoulder, and a stiff neck.

You do not even want to know what kind of looks I was getting at the preschool Easter Egg hunt yesterday.

And my daughter went to school and told her teacher, the Room Mom, and her track coaches that I fell in the middle of the night and hit my head, so you know those Nosy Nellies are all “Glug-glug, wink-wink!”

Honestly, my pride hurts more than my face.

And so that’s where I’ve been the last few days.

Don’t worry, I have a check up scheduled for next week and have been religiously keeping myself hydrated since I got home from the hospital.

Now please tell me you have some kind of asinine freak accident story to share so I don’t feel like such a dork.

-Iris

*Punim is Yiddish for “face.” Get your mind out of the gutter.