A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: rants

We all have that one friend…

we all have that one friend

Not THAT friend. Although we all have at least one of those too, don’t we? (Or at least YOU do, because that would be me…splash!)

No, I’m talking about that friend who hasn’t quite yet figured out which form of electronic communication to use and when.

You know the one…he/she sends out massive group emails on Facebook and spammy DMs on Twitter to say “Thanks for the follow!”

Yeah, that friend (or Grandma…whatever.)

Well I have a thing or two to say about them. And it’s posted In The Powder Room. Please join me over there.

So far the response has been either “LOVE IT!” or “Such language!” so if you don’t like it when I swear, maybe sit this one out and go look at pretty things on Pinterest…like this gorgeous Valentine pin board my friend and colleague Kim is curating for In The Powder Room. I pretty much want to live there. {Sigh.}

with gratitude and a solemn promise to never butt-dial or DM you,

When Facebookers Attack

We’ve all seen it a million times by now: people who hide behind the veil of technology and fire off nasty, rude, or judgmental comments via social media.

But there is something about Facebook in particular that seems to bring out the worst in some people.

I hearby christen them: Facebitches.



Yes, with the Back-to-School season upon us, I’ve been noticing an upsurge in mom-on-mom digital aggression. Apparently The Mommy Wars are alive and well on Facebook.

If your replies or comments on other people’s Facebook posts sound like any of the following, you might be a Facebitch:

The Mother Superior. “That’s why I chose to homeschool/private school/public school, so my children won’t ever have to endure trauma like that.” How nice for you.

The Debbie Downer. “I’m sorry to hear about your child’s problems at school. My cousin had that . . . right before he took all those semi-automatic weapons up into that clock tower.” Thanks. I feel so much better now.

The Darwin Award Winner. “Thats not real. Them squirrels r totally photo-shopped into that toilet.” OMG, really? Like, duh. What gave it away? The Xs on the eyes?

The Turd in the Punchbowl. “That’s the least of your worries. The amount of hormones your children are ingesting through the water supply has already shortened their life span by decades.” Not helping. Shut the fuck up.

The Cat Lady. “This is what’s wrong with kids today. If I had kids, I’d . . . ” Bitch please. Try mothering a human child before you judge my parenting skills. Walk away before I kick you in the vagina.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe it’s the act of communicating with typing fingers and thumbs instead of mouths and faces that creates this disconnect of civility, common sense, and respect.

Maybe this behavior stems from the fact that there is rarely any real consequence to leaving a rude comment on a public figure’s Facebook post.

Read Me In the Powder Room!

Whatever the reason, I’m sick of it, and I’m In The Powder Room today giving some of these Facebitches a piece of my mind. Come on over and let’s show them how it’s done.


Moms who text and drive make me want to junk punch a kitten.

So I’m sitting in my car, in the turning lane, patiently waiting to turn left into my son’s school parking lot.

not the actual street...just an example for yinz visual people

My blinker is on.

There are cars slowly pulling up behind me also waiting to turn left.

Two long lines of traffic are passing me on both sides…I estimate at about 45 mph, and only that slow because we are in a school zone. (Good ol’ Georgia!)

It is 8:25 AM. Everyone is in such a hurry to get where they’re going.

I’m growing impatient. The traffic is heavier than usual today.

Hurry. Up. People! I mutter under my breath.

And that is when I notice the front of a mammoth white SUV, slowly drifting across the yellow line, and heading right toward the front of my car.

The woman driving doesn’t see me waiting there in the turning lane.

She is looking at her phone.

(The following picture is a dramatic reenactment of what I saw in her car. Obviously I wasn’t taking pictures…I was driving. Duh.)

boy shouting as his mom to not text and drive: I'mma tell Oprah!


I am trapped.

I slam on my horn and shout “OH MY GOD – hang on honey,” to my 4 year old son who is strapped into his car seat in the back.

The texting driver, who looks about my age (40s), is clearly startled and swerves away from the front of my car just in the nick of time.

I am shaking as I pull into the parking lot and park my car.


Look, I get it. I have my iPhone on my person or within arm’s reach at ALL TIMES. It is nothing short of an addiction.

Frankly, I’m not coordinated enough to even attempt to text, tweet, or read email while I drive; although I confess, I have done it while stopped at red lights* and in the car pool line.

But that ends today.

If I had been looking at my phone while I was waiting for that long line of traffic to pass, I would not have noticed that texting woman drifting into my lane. I would not have been able to honk and wake her out of her stupor. My son and I would have been hit head-on and could be severely injured or even dead today.

Hey, I’m not ready to die or lose my family, particularly from something as incredibly selfish and stupid as texting while driving.

So I’m writing this today to ask you and your friends to be more careful, for my sake.

Kidding. Kind of. Not really.

Seriously. Quit trying to multitask! I could throttle the Gordon Gekko-type who created that buzzword and made people feel like if we aren’t doing multiple things at once we are wasting time.

I am a huge fan of UNITASKING, especially when I’m shaving, engaging in hand-to-hand combat, or driving.

But in today’s fast-paced society, we’re at a disadvantage if we aren’t accessible and in the loop all. the. time. It’s a double edged sword.

I see TV ads, billboards, and bumper stickers all the time that warn us about the dangers of texting and driving, but they all seem to be aimed at teenagers. I say this because I’m not sure most of the adults in my life could decipher “Dnt txt n drv”.



Grownups in the hizzy, admit it…you have no idea what most abbreviations mean these days.

source: i.imgur.com

Come on. You know I’m right. I had to ask my kid what FTW meant the other day because I thought “Fuck the World!” seemed a little extreme in a Facebook conversation titled #ReplaceFilmTitlesWithVagina. (It means “For the Win!” btw (by the way).)

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is great that teens are being taught about the dangers of texting while driving the same way we were scared about drinking and driving. But the thing is, in all the driving I do, I see so many more adults than teens texting while they drive.

How can we get adults on board with this?

no phone zone

Obviously, if the honorable Mz. Oprah can’t eradicate texting while driving from the world, maybe it can’t be done. But what if we all took a pledge to make our cars a no-phone-zone?

What? It’s been done? DAMN IT.

Well then, let’s just keep talking about it, and educating ourselves, and being good role models for others.

Are you a numbers person? There are plenty of statistics out there in support of making your car a no-phone-zone. But some of the most convincing ones I’ve seen are these:

  • Nearly 80% of collisions involve some form of driver inattention (distraction, fatigue or looking away)
  • Using a cell phone use while driving, whether it’s hand-held or hands-free, delays a driver’s reactions as much as having a blood alcohol concentration at the legal limit of .08 percent. (Source: University of Utah)
  • Driving while using a cell phone reduces the amount of brain activity associated with driving by 37 percent  (Carnegie Mellon) (source)

Oh, and by the by, texting while driving and/or distracted driving is just flat out ILLEGAL in a vast majority of states. And that includes texting while at a red light or waiting to turn. Not sure if it’s illegal in your state? Click here for a current handy dandy chart (current as of February 2012).

And if that’s not enough of a motivator, how about the knowledge that there are entire clothing lines and websites out there dedicated to making fun of parents’ texts. (Go there. So funny!)


In summary:

When you are driving, just DRIVE. Don’t text. Don’t read. Don’t play Words with Friends. Don’t put on your frickin’ makeup. Don’t clean your firearm. Don’t froth your steamed skim milk. JUST DRIVE. The life you save could be your own, and/or mine.

sincerely yours, and not currently behind the wheel of a car,


*Obviously that was before I knew that I was breaking the law! Now I know, and my phone stays zipped inside my purse while I drive. 


© 2012 The Bearded Iris.

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