A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: summer

Welcome to Camp Mom!

It’s the last day of school for my kids, and I’m already crying.

No, no…not just because I’m completely unprepared for summer.

Mini-Me and her teacher

Mini-Me getting loved on by her 4th grade teacher yesterday…while Mrs. J. strategically avoids eye contact with me, per the terms of her restraining order.

I’m crying because my two elementary school-aged kids are sad to say goodbye to their beloved teachers and friends today, and when they are sad, I am sad. 

Seems like just yesterday my little Bucket Head was getting on the school bus for the first time.

And it didn’t take long for Mini-Me’s teacher to figure out that I was not operating on all six cylinders. Ah, memories.

Where does the time go?!

Aaaaand, there I go. Getting all sad and nostalgic again. Oy. Hormones. When in doubt, always blame the hormones. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Hey, it’s also my anniversary today, which is a sweet way to end the school year. Sixteen years. Yowza. Feels like sooooo much longer. (Just kidding, Honey…kinda.) We’re going to simultaneously celebrate our marriage and our last day of school-year-freedom by having lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant. Then we’re going to fill up a bunch of water balloons so we can ambush the kids when they get off the school bus and help them forget how sad they are to end the school year. Wish me luck on that one…hopefully it doesn’t backfire and make them even more sad that their parents are such insensitive dicks. (Tune in on Instagram later for an update!)

Read Me In the Powder Room!

But in the meantime, I’ve been brainstorming about some of the things we can do this summer to maintain a modicum of sanity and have a little fun. Spoiler alert: bathroom humor and manual labor! It’s over In The Powder Room today. Join me, won’t you?

Here’s to a great summer!

Hot Turd Time Machine

Oh Monday, you ignorant slut.

It’s been raining here in North Georgia for about 24 hours straight and normally that makes me just want to climb back into bed.

photo of raindrops on my jasmine vine

But I have a little bounce in my step today because Jessica from the beautiful blog Four Plus an Angel invited ME to guest post!

I don’t get a lot of invitations for things like that ever since I wrote about Lady and The Tramp doin’ it doggie style at my friend Megan’s old blog Declutter Daily. *sigh* (Sorry about that, Megan.)

Jessica, like Megan, is a very brave woman though. She reached out to me to participate in her summer series about funny summertime memories. I bothered her all weekend with questions like “Is it okay if I swear?” and “How about poop? Can I write about poop?” and “Can we hang out sometime and paint each other’s toes and have a pillow fight like in the movies because you’re really pretty.” She never responded to that last one. Huh.

So…spoiler alert. There is poop. And maybe a swear word or two, I don’t even know anymore. And I guess I owe my Mom and apology too for being such a stinker all the time. Sorry Mom.

Just a reminder, my comments here are closed for the summer, but you can chat me up today at Four Plus an Angel, the Twitter, and Facebook.

yours truly,
Leslie (aka “Iris”)

You can’t beat THAT with a stick. Really. Don’t.

It’s summertime. Are your kids bored and cranky?

If they are doing things like this:

Or this…

Chances are, your kids are bored and/or undersupervised.

But fret not! Readers of The Bearded Iris Blog have banded together on Facebook to provide a cavalcade of suggestions for what to do to beat the summertime blues.

Mel of Arizona sends her little darlings to Grandma’s for the night when everyone needs a change of scenery (mostly Mel, I imagine.) Bless you, Grandmas of the world!

Kate, who valiantly restricts her kids’ total screen time to 1 hour per day has a rule that anyone who says they’re bored gets a chore. Not only does she not hear any whining anymore, but her kids are composing music… for fun! Kate, I’m not worthy. When you write your parenting book, I want a signed first edition.

Debi says “I gave my two younger kids a bag of 300 waterballoons today – they kept rather busy…..cheap entertainment.” Oh hells yeah. I like your style, Debi!

Lynn from Georgia wrote in that her four kids were scrubbing floors and baseboards yesterday. I love you Lynn. You are an inspiration to us all!

Kate, Ann, and I all employ the “you’re locked outside until further notice” technique. It works like a charm for small periods of time. Just make sure you provide drinking water and sunscreen so that the social workers will have less of a case against you when they arrive on the scene.

But my favorite idea comes from Mary Lou who writes: “Throw 99 pennies out across the yard. Tell them when they find the 100 pennies, they can come back in.” Brilliant!!! Apparently Mary Lou got that gem from some friends who use this trick when they need to score a little “private time.” To which Heather replied, “I’d only need 25 pennies for that.” Pretty sure I woke the dog with my cackling when I read that one.

How about you? What creative suggestions do you have for keeping your kids constructively entertained, out of your hair, and not in juvenile hall or emergency foster care? Let’s hear it!

fondly and with a criminal background check,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Judge not.

Just in case you happened to see me driving through my neighborhood yesterday, I feel like you should really give me the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, it’s true, I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt.

And if you got a good look at me, you may have noticed the pit stains on my t-shirt and the mascara streaks on my face.

And yes, indeed, there was a rather large black Lab running alongside the driver’s side of my silver minivan.

And no, your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you. The dog was on a short blue leash, and I actually was holding the leash with my left arm dangling from the open driver’s side window.

And yes, the dog appeared to be very tired and was a little foamy at the mouth.

Yes, that was DaveFM’s Radio Free Lunch blaring from my speakers. Perhaps you got a glimpse of me grooving to Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake.

And sure enough, my hazard lights were blinking, as I was driving ridiculously slow.

If you saw us, you probably thought to yourself “That is one lazy (and/or crazy) bitch!”

But what you don’t know is that I had just spent the last two hours hanging with my dear friend Christel and her newborn baby who live on the other side of my neighborhood. And that Christel had been loving me through a mini-breakdown about a lifetime worth of emotional baggage that is always bubbling right below a very thin surface.

You probably also don’t know that Christel invited my mildly psychotic dog Ike over to play with her enormous black German Shepherd while we were visiting.

Or that Ike decided to bolt at the end of our playdate before I got a chance to get him back on his leash.

Maybe you don’t know that Ike has a long history of playing “you can’t catch me!” which is why we ended up installing a Hidden Fence three years ago.

Or that I had exactly fifteen minutes to get back to my car and get across town to pick up my two older kids from their last day of Tech Camp.

Perhaps you didn’t realize that I had just run from Christel’s house to mine with a four year old boy riding piggy-back and shouting “Giddy up, Mommy!”

Maybe you don’t know that when Ike used to run away (before we got the fence) the only way to get him back was to drive around, call him to our open minivan, and trick him that he was “going bye-byes!”

Or that the day before I had spent two hours and $150 having my disgusting 6 year old minivan detailed for the first time EVER and that the carpets were still damp.

Or that Ike’s paws and nails were caked with mud from the romping, and chasing, and digging he had just done in Christel’s backyard.

And that I couldn’t possibly just wait for Ike to find his way home on his own due to “the incident” we recently endured when Ike was assaulted in our yard by an unbalanced courier. (And found to be not guilty, by the way, in a court of law.)

So before you pass judgement on me for being the neighborhood crazy lady who drives alongside her dog for his exercise instead of walking him, you should really give me the benefit of the doubt.

Things aren’t always what they seem.

Besides, there are many worse reasons to think of me as the neighborhood crazy lady.

Yours truly,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris


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