A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: the suniverse

Last Chance to Share Your Crafty Whorishness

Tonight, at 11:59 PM EDT, we will officially close the Craft Whores contest.

“Contest? What contest?” you say?

OMG. Seriously? Don’t make me kick you in the baby maker, bitch.

This is only the single most incredible contest, like, EVER.

Fine. Here’s the CliffsNotes version for you Johnny-Come-Latelies or people with really poor reading comprehension:

It all started the day I showed The Suniverse my boobies and then she said “Bitch Please, Suck It.”

We wanted to find a way to share our mutual love of naughty crafts with our equally twisted good-humored readers, and thus, Craft Whores was born! You create a craft that is inappropriate, then you write a blog post about it and link it up for a chance to win our undying love and fabulous prizes!

I mean really. Cue the Louis Armstrong because is this a Wonderful World, or what?!

We now interrupt this broadcast with an urgent tomato boner:

Hello, gorgeous! I just needed a photo to break up all this boring text. Found that tomato in my CSA last summer and it was too fabulous to not share. As you were.

Where was I? Oh yes, prizes!  So good, they’re worth repeating:

  • A $100 Gift Certificate to We Shop at In The Powder Room
  • A $50 gift basket of craft supplies from Funny not Slutty
  • A $50 Gift Card from EdenFantasys to use on their site
  • A Viva La Deez Nutz painting and 3 Breathe Motherfucker magnets by Robin Plemmons
  • NEW!!! A $25 gift certificate from Subversive Cross Stitch
  • A sculpted vulva candleholder or nut bowl from Lady Estrogen
  • A vulva tissue box cover from Carrie at Uknit2
  • A “Hillblingy” Goblet from moi!
  • Our original Craft Whores cross stitch by my Internet wife, The Suniverse.

You can see photos of the prizes here.

Did you know we have celebrity judges? We do. They rock. Read about them here.

But most importantly, it’s not too late to get in on the fun! And based on the wide array on entries we have so far, the terms “craft” and “inappropriate” are clearly open for creative interpretation. Basically, you can’t go wrong, but if you could, the more wrong the better. 

The criteria on which your craft will be judged are as follows:

  • Best in Ho (overall best)
  • Most Anatomically Correct
  • Most Original
  • Best Effort by an Apparently Non-Crafty Person
  • Honorable Mentions 

So quit yer lollygagging and link-up! Or at least go and snicker about all the other twisted  crafts that 22 other brave souls have already posted.

Here’s where you go to link-up your inappropriate craft blog post and see the entries.

Special thanks once again to our wonderful corporate sponsors whose support, validation, and generous donations have made this venture even more fun for us all!

Craft Whores is proudly sponsored by: 

We Shop

FunnynotSlutty

PS – Several of you have asked us for a fun Craft Whores badge you can put on your own blog. Great idea! We will have one badge for participants and another for winners. Coming soon!

Winners will be announced next Thursday, September 27th.

With peace, love, and porcelain poonannies,
-Leslie

Craft Whores – Meet Our Judges!

The countdown in ON!

One week ago today, my friend The Suniverse and I announced our fantabulous brainchild: Craft Whores!

Let’s review:

1.) You make a craft that is naughty or “inappropriate” in some way.

2.) You take pictures of it and blog about it.

3.) You come back here next week and link up your post.

4.) Three awesome celebrity judges will pick three winners.

5.) PRIZES! Naughty, naughty prizes. Oh yeah, baby. Details coming soon.

The official link-up begins one week from today: September 13-17.

So what are you waiting for? Get yo’ naughty craft on! 

Friends, you do not have to be an accomplished crafter or artiste to participate! In fact, I’m going to be disappointed if someone doesn’t submit a penis sculpture made entirely of uncooked macaroni, dried pinto beans, and dog hair. M’kay?

Seriously. Let your naughty imagination be your guide. Skills optional!

Come on. I know you’re a little twisted. If you didn’t think poop or vaginas were funny, you wouldn’t be here. It’s okay. You’re among friends! {secret naughty hand-shake}

Now as for those celebrity judges . . .

{Drumroll, please.}

Hold onto your hot glue guns and flesh-colored pipe cleaners, people. We’ve got Internet royalty in the hizzy:

(Confession: I just copied and pasted this next part from The Suniverse because I got tired and she’s clearly the brains behind this operation.) 

Bad. Ass.


Jen
 from The Next Martha.
Witty, pretty, and wise.
A crafter, sarcastic, and
a great dancer (according to The Suniverse, I’ve not yet had the pleasure. Yet, I say). 

 

 

She’s a doll. Truly.


Kathy
 from Crafty Chica.
Awesome in so many ways, in so many media.
A crafter,
A writer, and
Sweet as pie.

 

 

Writes what you feel.


Robin Plemmons
 from Balls to the Wall, Y’all.
Who knows how to bring it,
An artist,
A writer, and
So giving.

 

(Still copying from The Suniverse. She’s awesome. Why reinvent the wheel?)

These brilliant, generous women have agreed to act as judges and decide who among you will be selected as being the CRAFT WHORES OF THE UNIVERSE.

No lie, people. This is a big deal. I can’t believe that they’ve agreed to soil themselves among us mere mortals, but they have and NO TAKE BACKS, O.K?

(This is me interjecting: Su, did you just say “soil themselves”? Because bitch, please, I don’t remember agreeing to work with encopretic judges. Oh crap. What have I gotten myself into?) 

Hi. It’s me again, Leslie, aka “Iris.”

So, I hope this answers some of your lingering questions and gives you the encouragement you need to play along, regardless of your skill level in the artsy fartsy department.

In fact, we haven’t really finalized the criteria for judging, so you never know . . . maybe there will be a prize for “Worst” or “Most Fucked Up” or “Scariest” or “Least Artistic.” We’re pretty wild and crazy you know. I’m just saying.

Please spread the word! The more the merrier!

With faith, hope, love, and hot glue,
Leslie

 

Craft Whores – Are You Twisted Enough?

Once upon a time, in between sessions at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, I met a fellow humor blogger named The Suniverse and we hit it off like a needle and thread.

Well one day, whilst admiring her cross-stitched “SUCK IT!” avatar, I came to discover that she actually designed and stitched that splendiferous creation herself! Awestruck, I pledged my allegiance to her forever.

And then I showed her my boobies.  Continue reading

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