A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: top 25 funny moms (Page 2 of 2)

One year later…

One year ago this week I wrote my first ever Listography titled Five Things I Really Hate. If you are new here, you may have missed it, and it’s one of my all time favorite rants…especially now that I have much more sympathy for the poor gal in #5.

One year ago this week I also had to explain what the word “horny” means to my then 11 year old son. Poor thing got a little more than he bargained for with that question.

One year ago this week I organized the hell out of my laundry room.

before

after

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet you’re wondering if my efforts there have lasted, aren’t you.

And the answer to that is an unequivocal NOPE.

What can I say? I subscribe to the philosophy that a life well lived is more important than a clean house. And by “life well lived” of course I mean somewhat inebriated and browsing Pinterest for bacon related recipes.

Besides, I’ve been busy with other more pressing things. Like bathroom remodeling, and watching/live tweeting The Bachelor, and blogging about poop and my down there lady business.

Hey, don’t judge. You’re here reading this crap. That totally makes you an accomplice to my juvenile sense of humor, y’know. But back to my whole “one year later” theme…

One year ago this week I overheard my daughter wonder aloud about the unbelievable torture (i.e. pixie haircut) her grandmother inflicted upon me as a child.

One year ago this week I took Bucket Head to the dermatologist to have a devil horn removed from his ear and then shared Ten Skin Care Tips I Wish I Had Followed.

And finally, it was exactly one year ago today that I shared one of my all-time favorite most horrifying discoveries in my children’s spiritual library

Naked Satan tempting Jesus in the desert...with a reach-around.

Wow. Hard to believe I accomplished ALL THAT in one week! I was so much younger and more energetic back then. Also, Lent came later last year (started March 10th), so I was clearly still all hopped up on boxed wine and Ding-Dongs when I wrote all those posts.

But here we are one year later.

Now I’ve got crotch rot, a 12 year old son who knows all my dirty limericks, a filthy/messy laundry room, long hair, a son without devil horns, and no illustrated children’s bible.

I’d say it’s been a pretty productive year.

Psssst. If any of this make you laugh, would you please help me make the list of the Top 25 Funny Moms? Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to my name to cast your vote. You can vote once a day until March 21st for all your favorite funny moms. Thank you!

enjoying the ride,

-Iris

And now the road to fame is paved with placenta.

Oh for the love of Pete, my placenta and I have been mentioned in a real life magazine.

pregnancy and newborn magazine cover feb 2012

Swear to God, my placenta and I are quoted in this issue!

I hope this doesn’t count as part of my 15 minutes of fame because my placenta is totally hogging the spotlight.

And also, I’m not sure why they put that slightly bloated pretty lady on the cover when they could have had a picture of a fashion plate like moi:

(Photo removed by Iris due to extreme case of blogger remorse.)

 

Holy CRAP. That picture was taken just a few hours before my sweet 9 pound 11 ounce Mini-Me burst onto the scene in 2002. It’s no wonder my belly looks like a Shar Pei today.

Actually, I couldn’t be more proud to be a part of the Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine article, The postdelivery party favor: Getting to know the amazing placenta. The author, Mary Seckman, contacted me for an interview last summer after reading about my own placenta horror story and the “Placenta Keeper Plus” I created for my good friend Mama Cloud as a semi-gag baby shower gift. If that post doesn’t shout “Ask me anything! I have no sense of shame or decorum,” I don’t know what does. Jayzus.

And speaking of newborns, Mama Cloud’s little bundle of love is about to celebrate his first birthday next month! Can you believe it? My how time flies.

Mama Cloud's beautiful newborn son in the crook of my hairy arm 11 months ago. Makes my nipples tingle just looking at him.

{Sigh.} What an angel. Newborns are BEST! (Except for that whole sleep deprivation and bloody raw nipples part.) Hey, know what else is pretty cool? Having a child who is finally old enough to get your humor and snicker when he hears you sing “Chuck Chuck, bo buck, banana fanna….” Yeah. That just happened and we totally bonded over it.

In other exciting news: there is a contest to find the Top 25 Funny (Blogging) Moms!

What do you think? Do I belong on this list? My fate is in your hands. This contest is running until March 21st and you can vote for all of your favorite funny mom bloggers once every 24 hours until then. (Pick me! Please pick me!)

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’d like to be on this list. Making people laugh is what I absolutely LIVE for. Well that, and my children. Fine, my husband too. Whatevs, the point is: if I have ever made you laugh, or chuckle, or smile, or leak into your Poise Pad even a little, then perhaps you would spare two clicks for The Bearded Iris? (Click the thumbs up symbol once you get there.)

Perhaps you’d even tell a friend? Look. I just showed you my naked belly AND outed myself as a recovering scrunchie wearer. It’s the least you can do.

Thank you kindly for the support!

with love and placenta prints,

-Iris

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