A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: twitter

Sometimes the Internet surprises me…

The Internet is a crazy place.

Sometimes it breaks your heart. And sometimes it surprises you with a reaction you could never have anticipated.

That was certainly the case last week when I shared this haunting family secret.

And it’s happening again today in response to a potentially controversial article I wrote about the infamous Oscars night tweet by The Onion. (If you have a problem with colorful language, you might want to skip that one. Then again, if you have a problem with colorful language, what the fuck are you doing HERE?)

In related news, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately at my other online home, In The Powder Room. As you may know, I am the Editor-in-Chief there, which means I oversee all the Internet content. We have some truly talented writers on staff and I am blown away every week by the pieces I have the privilege to edit, schedule, and publish. I had no idea when I started this blog four years ago that I would enjoy editing so much, but that opportunity has really been a gift in so many ways.

fangirl2Anyhoooo, just wanted you to know that even though I haven’t been publishing as many things here lately, my Cheez-It flavored fingerprints are all over the daily content there, including new weekly features like Fangirl Friday (ERMAHGERD! That’s me with author Robin O’Bryant over there!), The Five, and Awesome Moments In The Powder Room (with a title like that, you just know I’m the giggling 12-year-old-boy-brain behind it.)

So if you are missing me (and thank YOU if you are!), a great way to keep in touch is to follow In The Powder Room on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest. I’ve pretty much got my DNA in every nook and cranny over there. (Ew, sorry for that visual.)

Air kiss…it’s cold and flu season don’tcha know,


Boobs, when bras attack, and Rob Delaney loves me

Last night two of my girlfriends and I went to see Rob Delaney perform in Atlanta. He’s a comedian I’ve come to know and love through his consistent hilarity on Twitter such as:



And those are some of his cleaner Tweets, so don’t bother following him if you are *uncomfortable* with combos like filthy high chair straps and Mexican prostitutes. Trust me on this one. Personally, I think he’s magically delicious, but you know me; I’m not quite right in the head.

Also? I don’t mean to brag or anything, but Rob Delaney told me he loves me (and my raunchy friends). Kinda. So I’ve got that going for me.

rob delaney loves the bearded iris on twitter

But when you’re a 42-year-old WAHM like me who doesn’t get out much, a Wednesday night out with the girls can be a real killer.

In fact, I woke up with a strange limp today. And the only explanation I can come up with is that I must have laughed so hard at the show last night that I injured myself.

You see, I don’t have one of those glorious out-loud laughs like some people. I’m more of a silent-but-deadly laugher. My friend Kate though, who was sitting on my left last night… she has one of those amazingly contagious hearty “guffaw” laughs. Her laughter actually turns heads and makes other people smile and laugh along. Comedians should pay her to sit in the audience; she is that good.

But me? Since my laughter is so quiet, I think I developed a tick as a child to slap myself in the leg repeatedly when something is really funny so people will see me and know I’m laughing along. That’s right folks. I’m a knee-slapper. A real-live-honest-to-God-knee-slapper. And I laughed so hard last night and slapped myself in the leg so many times that I injured myself.

Jesus, I’m getting old.

And when you’re old, and tired, and injured, and super lazy, you tend to throw your clothes on your bedroom/desk chair at night instead of putting them where they belong.

messy office and bedroom

But this is (one of many reasons) why you shouldn’t do that:

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Yep. That’s my bra…

…stuck to the back of my sweater.

I got up from my desk this morning to get more coffee and when I walked by the mirror, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something long and black slinking behind me.

Y’all, it scared the bezeezus out of me.

For a second there, I thought a raccoon or a stray cat or something had snuck up behind me.

Thank God I was home alone because I’m pretty sure I shrieked a little. And then when I figured out it was just my bra from last night I was so relieved. That’s fucked up, right there. “Oh thank God that’s just a bra on my back and not a raccoon.”

bra vs raccoon by the bearded irisI can’t decide if the lesson here is that I should get out more or put more effort into putting my things away.

Regardless, I am just grateful I didn’t drive my kids to school this morning and walk them in to their classrooms. As if my kids need yet another reason to be embarrassed by their mom.

One last thing: some of my blogger friends and I have volunteered to be “big sisters” for some new(er) bloggers we know. I got paired up with a cutie-patootie named Stephanie of Binkies and Briefcases. I liked her right away because she has a tutorial on her blog for making Sweater Puppets.

As in, puppets…made out of recycled sweater sleeves. Duh.

Only, bless her heart, she didn’t know that the term “Sweater Puppets” is actually a euphemism for “boobs.” 

Of course, as her official blogging big sister, I set her straight…eventually. Once I stopped laughing, that is.

Ironically, Stephanie has a really large pair of actual sweater puppets herself. In fact, she wrote a really funny letter to Santa about her fun-bags that I published for her today In The Powder Room. Whether you have boobs, wish you had boobs, or just enjoy boobs in general, there is something for everyone in her post today. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Yours truly,

The first rule of PMS Club…

Just because Halloween’s over doesn’t mean all scary things have to be packed away.

Picture this: it’s a cold, dark, rainy night. I’m in my jammies, on the couch, under my favorite blanket, watching the election results and playing Words With Friends during commercial breaks.

My husband gets up to grab a snack. “Want anything?” he sweetly asks.

“Yeah. How about a handful of Peppermint Patties from the freezer. And a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Hey, do we have any beef jerky?”

“Oh.” His tone drops. “Okay.”

We’ve been married for fifteen years. He knows what this means.  

The Bearded Iris: PMS - its coming from inside the house!

As if me bursting into tears earlier that day over a Folgers commercial wasn’t enough of a red flag.

And then this happened on Twitter…

Just teared up at the commercial for the Abraham Lincoln movie. PMS and this election really have me jacked up.


Mary Burt-Godwin


And I was all, “Oh Thank GOD I’m not the only one.” Which is reason #472 why I love Twitter so much. Instant support group. Fo’ free!

In fact, a bunch of other gals jumped right in to reply to Mary’s confession and we started our own impromptu PMS Club…as hormonally charged women are wont to do:

Seriously. THIS? This is how you make new friends on Twitter, for those of you who have told me you just can’t get into it. Just look for opportunities to interact. Sometimes people respond, sometimes they don’t. But when they do? It can be really fun, and/or comforting.

A few more gals appeared with great offers for what they’d like to bring to our burgeoning PMS Party. @JulieTheWife was ready and willing with her T-Pain microphone and a flame thrower. HOLLA! That girl clearly knows how to par-tay. @JustUsChicks and @AuthorJenTucker chimed in with things like Fritos and wine. Someone may or may not have offered to bring a chainsaw. A screening of The Notebook was planned, complete with spooning. And at one point Mary shared that she has a gold tooth. It was off the hook, y’all.

And all of it was way more fun than biting my nails over the electoral college or skinning my husband and wearing his furry pelt as a cape. (Animal prints are so hot right now, don’t you know.)

But it got me thinking. We should probably establish some rules to our new PMS Club. Here’s my first draft. It might sound a little familiar…

First Rule of PMS Club: You do not talk about PMS Club.

Second Rule: You DO NOT talk about PMS CLUB.

Third Rule: If someone yells “stop,” goes limp, or bursts into tears, just back off.

Fourth Rule: There are no wrong food combinations, only insufficient quantities.

Fifth Rule: If provoked, use one weapon at a time, ladies. And try to make it look like self defense or an accident.

Sixth Rule: No bras, no shoes.

Seventh Rule: PMS will go on as long as we say it does.

Eighth Rule: If this is your first night at PMS Club, you have to bring enough Percocet for everyone.

What am I missing? And what are you bringing to the PMS Party?!

By the way, if you’re looking for some funny women to follow on Twitter, I highly recommend the founding members of the PMS Club. You can follow all of them here. And please join in the fun! If you’ve ever dipped Slim Jims in melted chocolate, cried over a Today Show segment about holiday crafts, or wondered about the pros and cons of premeditated homicide, you’ll fit right in.

Now please hand me my hot water bottle and get the hell out of my way before I cut you.


The Best Twitter Tip You Don’t Know

I absolutely hated Twitter when I first started using it. It made me feel like a stranger in a strange land and I just didn’t get the appeal.

Several months of trial and error later (fine, mostly error), I now LOVE Twitter. As I mentioned the other day, it is the single best way I have found to quickly communicate, especially with major companies, experts, and celebrities. If you haven’t read my story about how I accidentally offered sex to the Director of Consumer Services at General Mills and received free Old El Paso® coupons as a result, you should do that now. It’s a perfect example of why Twitter rocks (and why my Mom used to wash my mouth out with soap.)

For me, Twitter came with a really steep learning curve… like learning a foreign language as an adult, minus the hot tutor. I hated that feeling of “How in the hell do you DO this?” I had no idea what TY and RT and DM and FF meant, among other things. I also didn’t know the difference between a hashtag and a hashpipe, (whatever THAT is.) But I was bound and determined to figure it out; and slowly but surely, I am getting there.

I’m still a Twitter newbie, relatively speaking, so please take my advice with a grain of salt. There are entire books and websites and Twitter accounts completely devoted to helping people learn this hot new medium. But I do know a thing or two about a thing or two, so stick around.

So far, the BEST resource I have found is The Twitter Book by Tim O’Reilly and Sarah Milstein. It’s great for newbies like me, but it also has tons of info for advanced Twitter users. In fact, I would say that a majority of it was over my head, but at some point in the future, I hope to understand it as my Twitter confidence grows.

Today, I’d like to highlight just two basic and useful tips I have gleaned from this book and my last few months of Twitter immersion.

Step one if you don’t already have a Twitter account is to create one. Here’s a tip I did not know when I created mine three years ago: the shorter your Twitter user name, the better. You only have 140 characters to express yourself in Twitter and you don’t want to burn those up with a long user name. This is especially important if you want to be mentioned and retweeted, and believe me, you do.

Okay, the next thing you need to know in Twitter is how to use the @ sign. It’s how you mention other users so they know you are tweeting about them and the two of you can connect. But there’s a trick to doing it that about 95% of Twitter users don’t know! And it’s a real gem! Ready? Here it comes:

Don’t start a tweet with the @ sign.

If you do, your tweet will only show up in that user’s Twitter stream and to any users who follow you both, but that’s it. Twitter is all about public communication. So the more people who see your tweets the better.

This is tricky and most people don’t know it or get it, so let me give you an example. The other day I shamelessly Tweeted this:

@geneweingarten What kind of a sicko Mom teaches her kids how to make fake turds? ME! See my “Pootorial” >> http://goo.gl/fb/ipKFlless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

Gene Weingarten’s Twitter avatar is a picture of a swirlie turd and his profile reads:

Washington Post columnist, Philosopher, Epistemologist, Enthusiast of Excreta-Related Humor

Be still my heart! So I thought to myself, surely a man with a turd for an avatar would enjoy my Pootorial, right? I specifically started that tweet with the @ symbol though because I didn’t want to pester my own 277 followers who had been bombarded for a week at that point with my shit, literally. {I would have sent Gene a DM (direct message), but he wasn’t following me at the time.}

Well guess what…he replied! SWOON!!!!

A fine family arts and crafts project: An easy, remarkably realistic fake turd. http://goo.gl/fb/ipKFl From @TheBeardedIrisless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

And the fact that his tweet didn’t start with the @ symbol means that it showed up in all 4,134 of his followers’ streams that very moment. If he had started that tweet with @TheBeardedIris then only our two mutual followers would have (possibly) seen it. That’s important because shortly after this wonderful tweet, I was contacted by a real live published author who follows Gene Weingarten’s tweets and enjoyed my Pootorial! No lie. But that, my friends, is a story for a different day.

But here’s more proof that Gene Weingarten is THE man. A few minutes later…

Okay, @TheBeardedIris can not only make fake poop, she blogs like the wind. Read about her labia: http://bit.ly/lhdfhMless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

Best. Day. Ever.

Not only is Gene Weingarten generous, but he obviously knows his Twitter too. Gene prefaced the @ symbol with a word, any word. And that one word made all the difference in the potential visibility of his tweet.

This can be tricky because when you press the “reply” button in Twitter, it automatically begins your tweet with the @username to whom you are replying. No biggie, just insert your cursor before that @ and type something. Here’s a list of words/expressions I often use for this purpose:

  • SWEET!
  • Okay
  • Yes
  • STFU
  • Yay!
  • Nuh-uh
  • Shit
  • Seriously?
  • No way
  • Thanks! (or Thx or TY)
  • Oh hells yeah
  • Geez!

And for my two UK readers, please add:

  • Shite
  • Bollocks

Enough. Nutshell: size matters in Twitter and don’t start your Tweets with the @ sign. Oh, and don’t forget to follow me because my tweets are a lot like my love making: loud, sloppy, and selfish. No, I did not just say that. Yes I did. And it’s true. Follow me and see for yourself.

sincerely and now with extra #hashtags,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

For best results, Tweet like a ho-bag.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Twitter ROCKS. In fact, it is my favorite social medium, hands down. And no, it is not just for teenagers and assholes, although there seems to be no shortage of both using it.

I could go on and on about why Twitter is so fabulous, but I think I can best sum it up in a little Tweet exchange I experienced late last week.

It all started innocently enough…

It was Cinco de Mayo, and I was just trying to get a wholesome family dinner of tacos on the table before we had to leave for Mini-Me’s softball game.

My ground turkey was a-brownin’ and my cheese was awaitin’. The oven was preheating to warm up the taco shells and it seemed like all was going right as planned.

Until I opened my box of Old El Paso® taco shells and discovered this:


See that?!  THREE out of six hard taco shells were broken to pieces. Now, you know how my (self-diagnosed and untreated) Tourette’s gets when I’m agitated! I just so happened to have my iPhone in my pocket, so I whipped it out and fired off a quick rant to my “tweeps:”

Who do I have to f*ck to get some unbroken taco shells? Damn you again #generalmills! http://instagr.am/p/D5tN9/less than a minute ago via Instagram Favorite Retweet Reply

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, husband. I don’t normally offer free sex for Mexican food, I swear.

It didn’t solve my dinner conundrum, but I felt a little better about getting it off my chest. FYI, the “damn you again #generalmills” is in reference to my previously stated disdain for the General Mills Box Tops for Education Program. Ack, don’t get me started.

Anyheeee, imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day and found THIS in my Twitter stream:

@TheBeardedIris Sorry about the broken taco shells. DM me your address and I’ll replace them.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet Reply

I was SHOCKED. And, um, embarrassed. And a little scared, to be honest. So I Tweeted this:

Holy Taco! @jhagen414 I can’t believe you responded! Now I’m totally embarrassed. I appreciate the new taco shells though. JK about the sex.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply

There was no way in hell I was going to DM (direct message) my address to a total stranger, even as cute as he was in that suit and all. I mean, what if he wasn’t even from General Mills? What if he just wanted to know where to get in line for the free sex? So I cyber stalked him a little using my bad ass e-sleuthing skills and once I discovered he was legit, it was GAME ON.

Would you believe it? He is actually THE Director of Consumer Services at General Mills! Well shut my taco hole!

We moved our relationship to email and he turned out to be really nice! We emailed back and forth several times that day. I offered suggestions regarding their packaging and he seemed genuinely interested in my feedback. Shoot, last time someone paid that much attention to me I was holding a baby in one hand and a pipe bomb in the other. Not really. Well kinda.

Truly though, I was very impressed with Mr. Hagen’s customer service and sincere apologies for my bad taco shell experience. And I too was apologetic for my vulgar Tweet and for losing my temper. Before the end of the day, another upper level manager had contacted me offering more apologies and free replacement coupons. It was awesome.

There was also a very lively and fun discussion on my Facebook profile page between some of my less inhibited friends. I haven’t figured out how to copy and paste it here, so if you want to see it, you’ll have be befriend me. But let me entice you by saying I received this text message from a friend last night:

Dude, I just had to read your whole stream of comments on the taco shells twice… once to myself and then aloud to Ron… so funny we were both laughing out loud!!! As a whole conversation, it was HILARIOUS!

So there’s that.

In summary: I frickin’ lurve Twitter. No where else in my life have I ever had customer service issues handled so quickly or satisfactorily. And for the record, I don’t think it was only because I dropped the F-bomb or offered sex in my tweet, although hey, whatever it takes to get noticed, I’m down with it.

My point is simply this: JUST TWEET IT. Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you some of my favorite tips on using Twitter more effectively!

your foul mouthed and ill-tempered friend and taco lover,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


Floordrobe Makeover

When tackling any project, big or small, it helps to have support.

That’s why ten days ago when I was staring at The Pile in my bedroom and feeling totally overwhelmed, I headed for Twitter.

And not just to catch up on the latest musings by someecards, although that’s always a nice distraction. (I especially enjoyed their 11 best unintentionally sexual church signs.)

No, that particularly cold and frightening day in my bedroom, I tweeted a picture of The Pile to my favorite organizational guru Laura, THE Org Junkie.

And you know what? That divine woman gave me the just-in-time pearl of wisdom I needed to succeed at my project.

@TheBeardedIris If you hesitate when trying to decide whether or not to keep something, let it go.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

[Seriously. How cool is that?! If you have yet to discover the wonders of Twitter, get on the stick, man. It is fabulous. And when you get there, look me up! I’m @TheBeardedIris.]

So with Laura’s specific organizational tip on my mind, I got to work tackling my hellish pile. And I was ruthless about it.

I got a fresh cup of coffee, pressed play on my favorite shake-your-groove-thing playlist, and started dividing that pile into smaller piles of similar items. Just in case we have a failure to communicate, here is one more before shot of this particular pile in question:

And here is a shot of the sorting in progress:

Which I was able to whittle down to this:

"Mend" and "Goodwill"

To be honest, I probably won’t mend most of that stuff… it will either get tossed, turned into rags, or donated somewhere. But I felt compelled to separate it out first so I could evaluate the different groups of CRAP cluttering up my dumping ground bedroom.

When it was all said and done, here is what I found under that original pile:

Damn. Look at that! My grandmother’s antique hope chest. Isn’t it purdy? Maybe I should put stuff IN in, instead of ON it. Der. Sometimes I wonder how I even function. I mean really.

By the end of the week I had a new pile… in my driveway waiting for the friendly guys from a local charity to pick it up and take it to their thrift shop. Boo-yah! Did you catch that? There are charities that will COME TO YOUR HOUSE. It just doesn’t get any easier than that, people.

I was feeling pretty good about myself for conquering that pile and having two big bags of less clutter. And THEN, I read a wonderful post titled Five Strategies for Decluttering, in which my friend and decluttering muse Megan suggests envisioning the people who may need and use the things we donate to charity. I was SO inspired by it, that I ran into my garage and started pulling out more things to add to my charity pickup. It looked like it might rain so I had to move it all to the front porch, but look at how my pile multiplied:

All in all, it was a great week for decluttering at the Beard Bungalow! I hope your projects were equally successful and that you have blessed many others with your abundant donations.

I can hardly believe it’s already week 17 of Org Junkie’s 52 Weeks project!  This week Laura is offering tips on switching out your seasonal clothes. Check it out and then go tackle your closet with us!

sincerely yours, and now with less bedroom clutter,


© Copyright 2o11, The Bearded Iris.

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