A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: valentine’s day

She tried to kill him with her WHAT?

So, it’s Valentine’s Day.

And to celebrate, I wrote a little something about a news story that piqued my interest the other day. It’s a story about marriage, sex, and foul play—emphasis on the foul

She tried to kill him with her WHAT by The Bearded Iris In The Powder Room

I had a hard time coming up with a suitable title.

Here are some of the ones that didn’t make the cut:

International food recall scares vagitarians

Tainted Love – Are you gonna eat that?

Murderous Mustache Rider remains silent…her lips are sealed.

Connie Lingus, that murderous c*nt!

You can read the whole story at my other home, In The Powder Room. I think you’ll get a kick out of it. At the very least, you’ll probably learn some new euphemisms…my Valentine gift to you.

Go now and love each other. Love each other long and hard—today, and everyday. And try not to murder anyone with your poisoned apple (pie).

Most affectionately yours,
-Leslie

Have a gas this Valentine’s Day!

One of the many wonderful side benefits of blogging is the ability to look back and see how things change over time.

someecards.com - This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day

 

A blog can also be a very useful instructional guide for the husband.

someecards.com - Just a reminder that your Valentine's Day plans for me will be broadcast in real-time on at least three social media platforms

 

Last year on this day, romance was in the air over here. Or was that just the lingering odor of a poorly planned Valentine dinner? You’ll have to read my weekly column In The Powder Room today if you really want to know.

someecards.com - I want to grow old and disgusting with you

 

But this year, things are definitely looking up, and it smells better too. I’m not one to boast and brag, but let’s just say my husband and I are both making more of an effort to rekindle that spark.

And of course by spark, I mean understanding of the new cable channel guide.

someecards.com - I could watch TV with you forever

 

Baby steps. Actually, I’m expecting good things today from life in general, because it is a universal truth that you get what you give. And if I can stay awake long enough tonight, I’m going to give my husband a Valentine he’ll never forget.

someecards.com - Let's watch your shows this Valentine's Day

 

Friends, I hope you know today and everyday that you are loved and cherished, at least by me and The Big Guy/Gal driving the Winnebago in the sky. Because you are.

Now go read my In The Powder Room post, and then tell someone you love them, preferably in a way that is not an affront to any of their senses.

SWAF,

-Iris

 

The Valentine Card Conundrum

(Originally published 2/10/11.)

What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes me feel such an urgent need to overcompensate for all my shortcomings as a wife and mother?

Perhaps you’ll recall the time I made a Valentine Tree, hand crocheted heart ornaments, and a vulva shaped coin purse? I think it started a few years back when my oldest child was in Montessori school. Oh, those were some rough years for a mom like me.

In my grossly generalizing approach to life, the mothers who choose the Montessori way usually fit into one of three categories:

1.) “Mother Superiors,” aka Über Moms, who are fiercely competitive “Type A” women on a mission to forcefully mold their kids into the future leaders of the free world.

2.) Hippie Moms who really dig the student centered Montessori philosophy and want their kids to have lots of freedom to work at their own pace and choose their own groovy work each day.

3.) Slacker Moms who are terrified of how their kids are going to turn out unless they shell out the big bucks for top notch private education to make up for the lack of intellectual stimulation at home.

Guess which one I am? Or was, rather. My youngest, Bucket Head, doesn’t go to Montessori school. Which is probably why he wears underwear on his head and enjoys “Shart Frackers and Douche Bags for ‘nack.”

Anyhooo….

Valentine’s Day always gives me horrible flashbacks of that first year at the Montessori school when I made the hideous mistake of sending in cheap-dime-store-made-in-Taiwan-with-lead-based-ink-cards featuring licensed Bob the Builder characters and actual CANDY containing gluten, peanuts, and red dye #40 taped to them. Oh, the shame.

When Nature Boy got home that afternoon, he tore open his beautifully decorated bag of “Valentimes” and there on the table were 15 adorable homemade Valentines and ONE tacky Bob-the-Builder “Put it there, Bob” Valentine/candy combo pack.

And of those 15 homemade Valentines, most of them included very special “I made these with my Mommy!” non-edible treats like heart-shaped crayons made from recycled crayon bits lovingly melted in antique collectible candy molds, or little red and pink pompom critters waving a paper plea to “Be Mine!”

I’m totally not exaggerating. Montessori Moms play to win. I probably should have known that by the large number of “ALTA Tennis Champ!” magnets on all the Hummers in the parking lot, but I was too focused on getting to school on time and getting the hell out of there before someone asked me to volunteer for something.

Yep. Those Martha Stewarty Valentines Day cards were a real slap to the rubber parts. So I made a mental note that Valentines Day is obviously more about the earning or losing Mommy Points and not really at all about the expression of preschool love. And, I vowed that I would never put myself or my poor children in that situation again.

So last year, on Valentine’s Day, when Bucket Head was attending his first year of non-Montessori preschool, I made sure we were ready to show those other moms how it was done. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present exhibit A:

Bucket Head's Homemade Butterfly Valentines, 2010.

Ta-DOW! Oh yeah baby. That’s what I’m talking ’bout.

Not only were they cute, but my toddler totally got to participate in most of the process. See those polka-dots? Bingo markers! And threading the pony beads onto the pipe cleaners? Holy hand-eye coordination practice, Batman! Sure, he got bored after making three of these, but the point is, we made them ourselves for pennies on the dollar!

Bigger picture: I was about to exchange my World’s Worst Montessori Mom crown for a World’s Best Non-Montessori Preschool Mom crown.

(Insert sound of screeching tires here.)

Not so fast, Grasshoppah.

Wouldn’t you know it, when Bucket Head brought his bag of Valentines home that afternoon, his butterfly card was the ONLY handmade card in the bag! And the butt loads of candy? For a second there, I thought I had accidentally enrolled my child in a Toddlers & Tiaras style beauty pageant.

I can just imagine those other mothers looking at our butterfly cards and thinking, “Aw, how sad. Little Bucket Head couldn’t afford real Valentines!” or “Well, lookie here. Bucket Head’s mom has an inferiority complex. Bless her heart. Let’s pray for her. Honey, bring Mama the fam’ly Bible coozy.”

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. And some people wonder why I drink.

One of these days, I’mma figure it out, and when I do? LOOK OUT, BITCHES.

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a cute little heart-themed Walmart tin filled with Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies. This is my own special twist on the classic candy vulvas I brought to my Church Christmas Pot Luck dinner a few years ago, proving that “Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus.”

"To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris."

“To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris.”

 

Made with waffle shaped pretzels, Rolo candies, and pecans, they are the perfect combo of salty and sweet. And they are as much fun to make as they are to eat. Especially when you get creative with the vajazzle supplies and effects.

A Variety of Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

Vajazzle variety is the key to fun with these tasty VD treats. My favorite look was the “inflamed pustule” achieved with a lone Red Hot placed to the side of each pecan.

The "inflamed pustule" look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

The “inflamed pustule” look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

Ouch! That makes me want a sitz bath just looking at it! Fortunately, it tastes better than it looks.

But for my more mature friends (in terms of chronological age… not behavior), “The Silver Fox” style is sure to please. Who doesn’t love coconut? Especially when it is used to simulate aging lady parts. I said SIMULATE, not stimulate.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

And then there’s the Jennifer Love Hewitt Collection, because nothing says “look at my hoo-hoo” like some sparkly bling and a bit of pink frosting.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

I mean, are these adorable or what? Here’s how you and the kids can make your own tray of Vajazzled Valentine Vulvas to take to Grandma’s house tonight:

1.) Set oven to 250° F

2.) Lay out waffle shaped pretzels on cookie sheet.

3.) Top each one with a Rolo candy.

4.) Bake for 3 minutes.

5.) Top each with a pecan and smoosh it down.

6.) Vajazzle (if desired).

Cool completely before serving or packaging. Speaking of which, Nora and Jim, check your mailbox. Happy VD everyone!

Now candy coated with sparkles and Red Hots, your friend,

-Leslie

PS: For more Valentines related fun (and then some), please follow me on Pinterest.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

The Valentine Blues

Valentine’s Day is not my fave.

If you love someone, you should tell them all the time… not just on one over-the-top day. Just sayin’.

I told my husband this when we first started dating back in 1995 as part of my “I’m really low-maintenance… you hit the jackpot with me, pal” façade. Mistake. Big mistake. Now the man thinks he can just skirt through every holiday without giving me cards and flowers and candy and jewels. Dammit. I had no earthly idea that in less than a decade I would become an invisible vessel for grandkids and PTA sponsored fundraising. That changed everything. I am definitely no longer as low-maintenance as I was 10 years ago… and not just because of all the new hormone induced facial hair. I need some attention, fuckers. Is it me, or can you relate, ladies?

Maybe I’m just bitter because I didn’t get a single Valentine this year. Yeah yeah, I know, I’m being a hypocrite. That whole “T’is better to give than to receive” thing is a load of crap, sorry Jesus. I want to receive. And by receive, I’m talking about more than just a bean burrito dinner followed by falling asleep farting in our Snuggies watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (note to self: must reorder my Netflix queue to coincide with holidays more appropriately.)  Mama needs some romance. And for the record, “Are we gonna do it later, or what?” doesn’t really get the juices flowin’, if you know what I mean.

Unlike their bitter mama, my lovey-dovey kids really dig this Hallmark holiday. So, for them, I did my darndest to hide my “cupid-is-stupid” ire and rise to the occasion. Awwww. I helped them make their Valentine’s Boxes and cards and we even whipped up a fabulous and funky Valentine  Tree, which took near heroic measures since I absolutely abhor crafting with children. Don’t get me wrong, I love crafting. I’m crafty. I can make pretty much anything. Anything. Seriously. But bring a kid into the equation, and I’d rather donate a cornea or two.

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Isn’t that just fabulous? Klepto and I decoupaged tissue paper onto an old plastic flower pot we found in the garage. I cut the branches off a big old fallen tree limb that was cluttering up my yard. And Klepto made a majority of those ornaments herself with crap we had lying around the house. My friend Jennifer says I have no right to be making fun of “Über Moms” when I have a homemade Valentine Tree like this in my house. But Jennifer, I gotta tell you, not only was I probably drunk as a skunk when we made it, but I am pretty sure I made Klepto cry five minutes into the decoupage process when she got bored and started to decoupage her hands to the table with the glue. So no, drunk screaming lunatics and Über Moms are mutually exclusive groups, in my humble opinion.

Speaking of being crafty… I am learning how to crochet. My BFF/neighbor Tammy (you remember her… the one who always one-ups me and tries to improve my recipes and then take credit for them?) gave me the most amazing birthday present last year. She cleaned out her overflowing craft closet and put together a lovingly recycled “Teach Yourself to Crochet” basket containing an instruction book, a bunch of crochet needles, some yarn, and a few handfuls of stale Easter candy that was calling her name a little too close to swimsuit season. Bitch. Anyhooo, the thought behind this gift was extraordinary. She knew that I had always wanted to learn to crochet and she gave me a gift to help me achieve that goal. That’s a good friend, ya’ll, stale candy or not.

The only problem with trying to teach yourself to crochet from a book is that it is really hard. I tried and I tried, but I just wasn’t getting it. Oh, I’m left-handed too, which makes everything harder, except making obscene gestures out my window while I drive. I do that with excellent dexterity and enthusiasm.

But you know what they say… when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. About a month ago, a lovely muse named Lara appeared on my doorstep. She and her groovy husband are my kids’ music teachers. They come to my house once a week and fill my home with song and love and a variety of talents. Lara can crochet like nobody’s beeswax. She sat down with me and showed me how to do some stitches and instilled me with confidence that crochet is really not that hard. Reading crochet patterns is not for pussies though. I still can’t really do that.

But Lara also taught me something phenomenal. She taught me that you can learn pretty much anything you ever wanted to know on YouTube. And the coolest thing about it is that you can start/stop/repeat lessons until you get it and not have to worry about annoying your teacher to death.

Want to learn how to use a Neti Pot? How about Body Party Math?  Would you like to rewire a lamp? Learn to do the splits? Be prepared to deliver a baby in the backseat of a taxicab? (Check out the giant rubber teaching vajayjay!!!)  Learn Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance moves step by step? (OMG, “The Spank It” and “The Pump Walk”… these are must-have-moves for any dance repertoire!!!)  Or hey, aren’t you the least bit curious about what happens when a goat licks an electric fence?  You can learn all this and more on YouTube.

Me? Well, after I mastered all that stuff, I taught myself how to crochet a heart for my sweet little girl. I even found a crochet heart tutorial for left-handed mamacitas like me! YouTube rocks, ya’ll. See? I did it!

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Bet you didn’t know I was such a crafty beaver, did you?! Well I am. Get over it. Don’t worry, I can combine all my favorite things and still be the same slutty booze whore you’ve come to know and love.  Next, I want to learn how to make one of these:

mynextcraftingproject

No, it’s not a papoose in a canoe. It’s a hand-knitted vulva I found on the Internet. God bless you, Al Gore! Wouldn’t that be the most darling change purse?! Imagine the looks you’d get at church if you pulled that out when they pass the basket!  Or how about a set of vulva coasters or beer can coozies? See, with all this crafting to do, I won’t have time to feel sorry for myself that I didn’t get any Valentines. And for those of you who missed the boat this year, you have a whole year to shop. Buy me some yarn, would ya? I’ve got some vulvas to knit.

-Iris

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