A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: vbs

Wait, let me explain!

So I arrive at the Vacation Bible School planning session the other day, pick up my handouts, and sit down with my two VBS buddies Terri and Kathy. We chit chat for a little while and then I start leafing through the three page legal sized spreadsheet that the VBS leader has put together with all the volunteers’ names and info.

And then I notice this across from my name:






{Sweaty pits.}

Wait, let me explain!

This was in the column labeled “Requests.”

And I did actually request that. Guilty as charged.

Sadly, I guess I didn’t understand the question.

Like when Bob Eubanks asked that couple on The Newlywed Game “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever made whoopee?” and the man said, “That would be in the butt, Bob.”

Naturally, I’m the ONLY mom who made this mistake, because all the other “requests” were for specific BFF co-teacher assignments. “Please put me with Amy Rogers! 🙂 ”

Holy shame, Batman!

But I had NO IDEA it would end up on a public document and out of context like this!

When I entered those words in the request line of the VBS application, what I meant was simply that I thought my kids would have more fun if they had a teacher other than me. I’ve been Mini-Me’s catechist for the past 2 years, and before that I did the same thing for Nature Boy. And let me tell you something, it’s been no picnic, for any of us. I know how great my kids are, so I demand a lot from them and I think I have been harder on them than an unbiased, impartial teacher would have been. So, I did it for the kids! Really!!

But if you didn’t know that, and you saw “Do Not Put with her kids” across from my name, what would you think?

Yeah. Me too.

And now there are about 62 very nice church going moms who think the same thing about me. Just my luck. Good thing most of them don’t know about this blog, eh? Or they’d really have something to talk about!

My friends Terri and Kathy and I had a good laugh about it during the planning session. But on the inside, I was sitting there thinking, “Geez, Iris. You sure know how to make a good impression. Way to go, shit-heel.”

And then Terri talked me into volunteering with her for the very important VBS role of Bible Study Teacher, so now I will get to work with EVERYONE’S children, EVERY DAY, for a WHOLE WEEK.

Now who gets the last laugh?

yours in Christ,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

Don’t try this at home.

This week’s Listography over at Kate Takes 5 is all about Bad Combinations. Here are a few perfect examples taken from Kate’s sister’s Facebook page:

Wind \ Hair \ Lipgloss

Old people \ The Internet

Bikini Waxes \ Dignity

To which Kate added her own list of five. Very funny – and true. Especially if you have young kids and/or know what Sudocream is.

I’d like to add a few of my own, based upon personal experience. The rules of Listography limit me to just five, which is unfortunate because I feel like creating bad combos might just be my forté. Come to think of it, pretty much every Listography I’ve ever participated in deals with the inappropriate pairing of things… like gum chewing and Communion wafers, Catholic Picture Bibles and Satan reach arounds, nine year old suburban white girls and Barry White albums, emotionally retarded adult children of divorce and weddings. Hmmm… have I just cracked some kind of top secret Irish code?

So, not wanting to take the easy way out, I thought I’d reflect on some additional bad combos I’ve experienced in life. Here is just a small sample, ribbed for your pleasure:

1.) snapping turtle \ impromptu roadside petting zoo

snapping turtles bite... duh.

Image credit: Phillip Higgins

Apparently, they’re called Snapping Turtles for a reason. Who knew?

2.) chopping jalapeno peppers \ removing contact lenses
I’m pretty sure every child in my neighborhood is now familiar with the howled version of the phrase: “HOLY FUCKING HELL! MY EYES! MY EYES! I’VE BLINDED MYSELF! AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!”

3.) really nice Scouting dads \ me \ playing cornhole

4.) Christmas party \ winter white wool dress slacks \ explosive diarrhea
Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t just wear a diaper to my sister in law’s house every Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if it is her homemade eggnogg, or the raw oysters, or just a psychosomatic response at this point, but something horrific happens in my bowels every year shortly after our holiday dinner at her house. Every. Single. Frickin’. Year. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m not invited back next year, so it shouldn’t be an issue. Wow, imagine that, a poop story. Weird. So unlike me.

5.) parent-teacher conference \ speech impaired child \ dick jokes
True story. Last week The Gatekeeper and I went in for Bucket Head’s Speech IEP (Individualized Education Plan). Partway into the meeting, Bucket Head comes over to tell us “Look at my magic dick!” Of course, what he was holding was not his penis at all, but rather a magnetic wand, or STICK. However, since he can’t articulate beginning blends like “ST,” he substitutes the “D” sound. “Stick” becomes “dick.” Magical? Indeed. Oh yes, I did. And oh no, it wasn’t appreciated (or probably even noticed). Feeling the unbearable weight of the airborne potential joke, I even asked Bucket Head to repeat it: “What’s that thing called honey?” “My magic dick!” “Oh that’s awesome! Daddy has one of those too.” Nope. Nothing. Like casting pearls to swine, I tells ya. But thank God for you people! At least someone appreciates my humor.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to prepare some skits for my church’s Vacation Bible School. What? Is that another bad combo? Oh, fine. Don’t worry, I won’t perform them sober.

yours truly,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

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